I've heard about a million times I've given J too much freedom and he needs more structure. I always hate that. Because I can offer all the structure in the world but he's not a structured kid and I will drive myself crazy trying to make him be.
Why he doesn't have designated homework time: He shouldn't have any homework. That's the way his school is set up. And each day when I ask "How's school?" I get a "Good." or "Fantastic." or "Long." He doesn't tell me he didn't turn in his work today. He may not even realize he didn't turn it in. The school also has no rules around communication with parents. The school doesn't tell me anything. There's nowhere online I can go to look. Even in the past when there has been it's updated maybe once every few weeks. So I go along happily, knowing we did our part and dropped him off at school and I even pack him a lunch each day in hopes that he'll eat it and stay awake and stay focused. He rarely eats the lunch. He rarely stays focused. He often fails. He does not ask for help.
Why I don't take away his electronics at night: The internet shuts off in our home at bedtime. I realize there are other things he can do on his computer or tablet. He could play games. But I also know music helps him fall asleep. It helps him not think about whatever is going on in his mind. It helps him not feel so alone. So I allow it. The internet is off. His phone is blocked from making calls or texts. Maybe I'll get lucky and he'll decide he's so bored he'd rather write. It helps me!
Why he doesn't have a set curfew: He's usually home early. The kid is 17 and rarely ever stays out past 10:30 on the weekends. Week nights he's home before 8 usually. And why do I need him home early anyways? As far as I know he has no homework to work on. Would I prefer him spending time with kids his age or sitting in front of a screen, locked away in his room?
Why he doesn't have set chores: He has the same chores our biological children do. He cleans his room every Saturday and he cleans up any mess he makes in the living area any other day. If he bakes a pizza, he knows he better put it away and wipe the counter when he's done. If he gets out a cup he better put it in the dishwasher when he's done. He knows this. He forgets often, but he knows it. He also does his own laundry and cleans his bathroom every other weekend (cause sometimes I gotta do it so it's done right!) He'll also do other chores as asked. I just don't think kids should depend on a chore chart to learn to be helpful.
Why I don't ask where he's going every time he leaves: He's a 17 year old kid with few friends, none of whom have a car or a job. He's at one of their houses or they sit outside of local grocery stores. I know who his friends are. He has a cell phone with him. Sometimes they build fire pits in the empty desert or go fishing in canals. Those things are illegal. I'm sure there's a lot of other illegal stuff he does. But he's home early, he has not been arrested and gosh darn it, I believe he should have the experience of a normal teenagehood. He should do some dumb stuff with his friends. He should have fun. Again, I prefer this to him sitting in his room watching show after show. My brother made bombs at his age. He'll be fine.
The structure I do provide: I check in on him when I haven't heard from him or don't know who he's with. I pack him a lunch and cook dinner every single night. Our house is stocked with food. I don't go to sleep until he's safe at home. Sometimes I even wake up in the middle of the night and check all the doors and windows just to make sure he hasn't left. I tell him I love him. I scold him when he smokes, fails a class or is disrespectful. I remind him of his appointments. I help him apply for jobs. I make sure he has all the resources he needs to be successful. I seek out every opportunity for him. I offer him healthy choices, even when I know he won't accept. I make myself available anytime he calls out "Mother!"
I cannot, for the sake of my sanity, control everything he does. He's also not a bad kid. Punishing him for being forgetful or acting on instinct is not fair. I, as a person, often look to the future and consider the consequences of my actions. He lives in the moment. He is not motivated. I can't, no matter how much I punish or take away, change that. So I'm going to keep loving him through it and distancing myself when I need to so that I can keep my focus on loving and supporting him. And to all those who think I do not offer enough structure--I have no words.
Why he doesn't have designated homework time: He shouldn't have any homework. That's the way his school is set up. And each day when I ask "How's school?" I get a "Good." or "Fantastic." or "Long." He doesn't tell me he didn't turn in his work today. He may not even realize he didn't turn it in. The school also has no rules around communication with parents. The school doesn't tell me anything. There's nowhere online I can go to look. Even in the past when there has been it's updated maybe once every few weeks. So I go along happily, knowing we did our part and dropped him off at school and I even pack him a lunch each day in hopes that he'll eat it and stay awake and stay focused. He rarely eats the lunch. He rarely stays focused. He often fails. He does not ask for help.
Why I don't take away his electronics at night: The internet shuts off in our home at bedtime. I realize there are other things he can do on his computer or tablet. He could play games. But I also know music helps him fall asleep. It helps him not think about whatever is going on in his mind. It helps him not feel so alone. So I allow it. The internet is off. His phone is blocked from making calls or texts. Maybe I'll get lucky and he'll decide he's so bored he'd rather write. It helps me!
Why he doesn't have a set curfew: He's usually home early. The kid is 17 and rarely ever stays out past 10:30 on the weekends. Week nights he's home before 8 usually. And why do I need him home early anyways? As far as I know he has no homework to work on. Would I prefer him spending time with kids his age or sitting in front of a screen, locked away in his room?
Why he doesn't have set chores: He has the same chores our biological children do. He cleans his room every Saturday and he cleans up any mess he makes in the living area any other day. If he bakes a pizza, he knows he better put it away and wipe the counter when he's done. If he gets out a cup he better put it in the dishwasher when he's done. He knows this. He forgets often, but he knows it. He also does his own laundry and cleans his bathroom every other weekend (cause sometimes I gotta do it so it's done right!) He'll also do other chores as asked. I just don't think kids should depend on a chore chart to learn to be helpful.
Why I don't ask where he's going every time he leaves: He's a 17 year old kid with few friends, none of whom have a car or a job. He's at one of their houses or they sit outside of local grocery stores. I know who his friends are. He has a cell phone with him. Sometimes they build fire pits in the empty desert or go fishing in canals. Those things are illegal. I'm sure there's a lot of other illegal stuff he does. But he's home early, he has not been arrested and gosh darn it, I believe he should have the experience of a normal teenagehood. He should do some dumb stuff with his friends. He should have fun. Again, I prefer this to him sitting in his room watching show after show. My brother made bombs at his age. He'll be fine.
The structure I do provide: I check in on him when I haven't heard from him or don't know who he's with. I pack him a lunch and cook dinner every single night. Our house is stocked with food. I don't go to sleep until he's safe at home. Sometimes I even wake up in the middle of the night and check all the doors and windows just to make sure he hasn't left. I tell him I love him. I scold him when he smokes, fails a class or is disrespectful. I remind him of his appointments. I help him apply for jobs. I make sure he has all the resources he needs to be successful. I seek out every opportunity for him. I offer him healthy choices, even when I know he won't accept. I make myself available anytime he calls out "Mother!"
I cannot, for the sake of my sanity, control everything he does. He's also not a bad kid. Punishing him for being forgetful or acting on instinct is not fair. I, as a person, often look to the future and consider the consequences of my actions. He lives in the moment. He is not motivated. I can't, no matter how much I punish or take away, change that. So I'm going to keep loving him through it and distancing myself when I need to so that I can keep my focus on loving and supporting him. And to all those who think I do not offer enough structure--I have no words.
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