A Place to Write

J turns into a very different person after 10 p.m. He's suddenly very wise, very open and very honest. He always wants to talk-and we always want to go to bed. Extending bed time for bonding time is rough but the trade off is worth it. I get to see how he's really feeling deep down. It's not awesome, but at least I know. He told me he feels like he was his most authentic self when he was at the group home. He could tell dirty jokes and use bad language and mess around and no one cared. He misses that. We have so many more standards to keep up with and he has to sensor himself. I think that's a skill he'll appreciate some day. He also tells me he believes the only people working in the system should be people who've been through the system. Other people shouldn't know everything about him. He tells me only people who've experienced it can really understand what would have made a difference and why he acts the way he does sometimes. I'm strugglin

I'd post a picture of our family enjoying vacation together--but I don't have one. I do have pictures. I have pictures with everyone in our family--except J. He won't tell you why, if you asked. He was standing right there. He was asked to join the group. He was told he was part of this family--but he dodged it. He dodged a lot on this vacation. I don't think he's even aware it happened. Whenever we brought it up he looked at us like we were crazy. Truth is we spent five days at a beach house and I never ate a meal next to him. We swam together two, maybe three times but after the first day these swim sessions never lasted longer than a half hour. To be fair, he got badly sun burnt on day one and I don't blame him for wanting to spend most of the remaining time indoors--but then he also went to the pool instead of spending time with family or would leave the beach as soon as we arrived to spend the rest of the day sleeping. I don't think he did anythin