A Place to Write

I LOVEthe relationship Aspen has with her grandparents. I don’t know any other kid this lucky. She spends all day every day playing with Grandma and Grandpa and even cries when someone mentions her getting older—because she knows it makes grandma sad. 

I think when we started fostering we were often asked what we wanted. What was our intention? We didn’t want to grow our family. We didn’t have self improvement in mind (although that definitely happened.) For us, we felt like we had a great life and enough of it to share. We just wanted to love someone. I think the only healthy mindset to have while fostering is being prepared to love someone—no matter what. That was our biggest take away. We learned what truly, honestly unconditional love was.  What I’m most proud of is the fact that that love has endured. J has been coming around pretty often lately. The day before his 21st birthday he allowed us to take him out to celebrate. This past weekend he brought his girlfriend over and they stayed and played games after dinner. He’s still not “successful.” He didn’t finish high school. He’s not excelling at work. His current landlord is kicking him out at the end of the month and with his work schedule… his future housing situation does not

Man it has been too long since I’ve taken the time to write. I started a new freelance position a few months ago and working three jobs has been very time consuming. I also have a TikTok addiction but oh well! Anyways the girls started at a new school this year and I have been loving it. They ride the bus which means they are out the door early and it’s less stressful for me. Their teachers are all experienced teachers. I know women in the ward who work at the school. The school does a great job making their activities accessible for every family. It’s just nice having them at the public school! Now on to what I do not like.  I’m not sure if it is the age or the group of girls but Kaybree’s social life has been all drama! She has made friends quickly but I cannot tell you how often one is fighting with another or all of them are ignoring Kaybree. It’s exhausting! Was I this dramatic in 5th grade?  Now that I think about it, I’m sure I was. I didn’t fight with my friends often but I oft

 Kaybree and Eisley started at a new school yesterday. It didn't go great. We were more rushed in the morning than I wanted to be. We waited too long to do a father's blessing and of course when we did it, it made Kaybree cry. So we left the house in tears. The bus was early and because it's new to us, the girls ran and hopped on. I didn't get a "First day of school!" happy, smiley photo. I got heartache. We watched the bus drive away. I knew Kaybree still had tears in her eyes. I worried throughout the day. The cookies I made for after school did not turn out great. Too much flour. I also ran to get Aspen from Grandma Vance and missed getting the girls from the bus stop.  Kaybree was melancholy right away. When I got home a few minutes later the tears were flowing. We sat on the beanbag and I held you as you cried. I cried with you.  "I don't know anyone in my class." "I was the only new kid." "I didn't know what was going on.

Yesterday I was trying to find my library card. Aspen says  “I didn’t take it! I take things from Eisley’s room and Kaybree’s room but not here.” This morning she excitedly brought me all the things she stole last night from Kaybrees room.  Aspen loves the lizard friends she sees on the wall in our backyard. Today she saw one and told me it’s name was “Lizzy Rene Hurtado” We are getting a puppy next week. The girls don’t know. We picked out the puppy together. I told them she was sold. She was sold. To us. Can’t wait to see Kaybree’s reaction when we surprise her on her birthday! The other day I was talking to J. He was hoping to buy a car with the $2,000 he has saved up. He was calling me constantly to get advice on different cars he found. There was one he was eager to go check out but it was far away and I could not drive him there. I told him “you have all sorts of friends. Isn’t there one who could take you?” He said, very seriously, “mom, I’ve made less friends.”

Today is Kaybree’s birthday! And we have not seen her yet 😬 This year’s husband and wife training for seminary teachers was held in Flagstaff and Brendon and I have been away, studying and learning and growing together. Unfortunately that means we’ve been away from our girls and Kaybree was not happy that we would not be home. We’ll make it up to her in a couple hours when we surprise her with her new puppy.  But for now we are driving and we have plenty of time to reminisce about the day ten years ago that we became parents and the beautiful girl we have in our family today.  Kaybree, you are one of my best friends. I feel like I could hang out with you any time and tell you anything. I love sharing with you and I love how interested you are in me and what I’m up to. I love how kind you are to those around you (although could you be a smidge nicer to your sisters please?!) I love that you love to learn and create. I love that you love to make a space yours. We just redid your room to

In the middle of February I quit my job. Knowing we had a huge event coming up, I gave them 4 weeks notice. Four weeks was far too long. Jodi spent the whole time avoiding me. Justin spent the whole time trying to convince me to stay. I spent the whole time worrying my new job was too good to be true. Justin picked up on that and told me I should talk to Jodi, tell her how much I appreciated my time there, and see if the door might be open for me to return. He asked if I had a backup plan. The conversation bugged me. I know he’s asking because he cares and he enjoyed working with me and because he would welcome me back.  Now I’m a month into my new job and I feel like I can really say— I don’t need a backup plan. I should have left a long time ago. I loved my last job. The responsibilities were always growing, challenging me to learn new skills and justify my work. The organization was changing lives, taking on new programs that make a difference for kids and teens in the foster care s

It’s Sunday. Kaybree and Eisley have become best friends with Lola who lives around the corner. They get together every Sunday to make cookies and deliver them to people in the ward. Any excuse to be together. Aspen wants to go to the park. Aspen always wants to go to the park. She says it’s “a place I belong”. She would spend all day in the sand if she could. Tonight after dinner we finally went to the park. She asked Kaybree to play hide and seek but hiding spots at the park are limited. It makes it interesting. J stopped by to get his mail. He’s working as a dishwasher at Village Inn. He’s been there a month and it sounds like he’s ready to quit. 

Eisley got baptized yesterday.  She asked Brittany and David to give the talks because she loves them the most. Both did an excellent job and bawled through it. David did mention during his talk he would NOT have given a talk if it had been anyone else asking him. When it was time to go into the water Eisley froze at the top of the stairs and cried, saying she did not want to do it. Eventually she got brave and walked into the water. The heater was broken so the water was cold but she made it through! Later she said she was scared because she didn’t want to have everyone watching her. A part of me wonders if she was afraid of the commitment.  Everyone treats baptism as a big deal. Like it means you can never make a mistake again or you’ll be doomed. That’s a lot of pressure. I want my kids to know it’s the opposite. Baptism is a reminder that we all make mistakes. That’s why Heavenly Father provided a way to remind us to be better next time. To change our hearts and our minds.  Baptism

  I took this photo mid-sword fight tonight. *No one was hit by the broom. J text me this morning and asked if we had dinner plans. I invited him over and he quickly accepted. He has a new job and has lost some weight. It’s been a while since we caught up. When we were first gettin licensed Kaybree was 5 and Eisley was 3. We knew we wanted a teenage boy. It seemed like nearly everyone asked us if that was wise. I’ve often reflected on that.  Yes, teenage boys have hormones. They can be rough and smelly and use bad language. They can also be so fun. Kaybree and Eisley and even Aspen all look forward to visits from J. Seeing them talk and laugh during dinner tonight made my heart swell. Sometimes when I talk about our foster experience I feel like I need to add a caveat. Yes—we enjoyed it and we love J BUT we did not save him. He did not graduate high school. He did not choose to live with us until age 21. I am not the only woman he calls “Mom” (although I may be the only “mother”). But

Sometimes I would take notes and think “I’ll post this later” and then never did. This is one of those posts from August or September of 2021 We put a lot of money into the house this summer and the best thing has been the backyard remodel. I love seeing you girls bounce on the trampoline. We put it in the ground to make it easy for aspen to access. She does the robot. She flies around like a bird.  Kaybree taught her this rhyme. I think it was something she learned at school from a friend but it has evolved into a full on song for aspen. She dances around singing “hey this is Mickey, Mickey says hi. Mickey says clap your hands, did you hear that Mickey died?”  She goes through all the Mickey characters and then everyone in our family. Sometimes we survive but mostly they die.  Friend: Wait you just said brother?! Kaybree and Eisley: Yeah, we have a brother. He’s a foster brother. Friend: Does he live here? Eisley: He use to buy he moved out. He wasn’t obeying the rules

It’s been so long since I have written anything down. But right now the house is quiet, everyone is in bed but me and I’m listening to a podcast that is reminding me the importance of writing down my story. We still get J’s mail but his visits are short. He quit his good job. He went back to couch surfing for a while until he got hired at Goodwill and now he’s been there for a while, working 25 hours a week. Dana let him move back in. He’s right across the street from us and yet you’d think we live an ocean away.  I went and spoke to Brendon’s classes on Friday. He likes to open it up to allow them to ask me whatever they want. Most of his classes did not go well. I was awkward and I’m replaying what I SHOULD have said over and over. The one class that was good seemed very interested in how we can have a successful marriage after seeing our parents divorce. We told them we learned what not to do. For Brendon it’s staying away from drugs. For me it’s honoring my spouse and making my mar