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Grief

 Grief is such a weird thing. Why does a death have to hurt even 16 years after it happened? Why does it hurt at all if it's such a part of life? And when it does hurt it just feels silly. I can't shut my life down every time it hits. Life doesn't work like that. It never has.  Life has continued in the past 16 years. It's completely different now. It's a life she never experienced. It's a life she wasn't a part of (to no fault of her own!) So why does it still hurt? And when it does hurt why does it hit like a ton of bricks? Why can't I stop the tears from coming?  How are you supposed to act when someone is grieving? I don't know, and that's why I hide it from my husband and kids. Because they can't understand. They never knew her. They don't know this grief. I don't want any pity.  So I write because writing works. It helps to vent, even though no one will read it. I did dream of her last night. It was Michelle Day, the annual day
Recent posts

Recording Family History

 I've been terrible at using this blog lately. Life is just changing so quickly. I'm busy all the time and at the same time I'm not stressed enough to need my normal writing outlet. But with so many changes, I need to get better about recording what is happening. The first big change is I came back to work at Child Crisis Arizona. I noticed in April that leadership had changed. I reached out to an old coworker to see how the change was impacting everyone and the next thing I knew, I was getting a job offer. My old position had been filled (I had been gone a full year) and a new Director of Marketing position had recently been created and hired but Justin was eager to bring me back in whatever capacity he could so another new marketing position was created--with my input. Yes, I got the chance to create my own position and go back to work at an organization that inspires me every day. I couldn't pass it up. I love everything about my job. I get to hear incredible stories

Eisley is 9!

My sweet Eisley girl turned 9 this year! Here are a few things you should know about Eisley: Eisley’s favorite animal: Puppy Favorite color: Teal Favorite food: Spaghetti Eisley recently started musical theater and she is loving it!  Eisley is one of a kind. She does not have the attitude that Kaybree has. She just loves to have fun and will always choose the path that leads to the most fun. Often, she gets carried away in that pursuit. She’s not great at chores or homework—no time. Gotta have fun. In fact she will do anything to avoid the boring stuff so she can make time for more fun.  A couple examples of this: Earlier this week she popped some popcorn and before she poured it into a container, she put paper towels down in the container. This way, when she is done with her popcorn she can dump the whole thing in the trash can and avoid doing any dishes. Last Saturday Kaybree, Lola and Eisley decided to have a lemonade sale. Something in the air didn’t agree with Eisley and one of he

Aspen is 4!

Aspen has been waiting a very long time for her birthday. That’s a tough thing for a child who is still too young to understand the concept of time. We finally got the countdown to make sense when we started counting “sleeps” instead of days. On her birthday we went and got our traditional birthday donuts.  Aspen spent time with Barb who let Brittany take her out. She came home with two new necklaces, 9 headbands, and a new outfit. She had three hotdogs for lunch and rode the carousel at the mall four times. I made Aspen the strawberry kiwi with whipped cream frosting cupcakes she requested. She only ate the fresh fruit on top.  We went out to eat at Red Robin because Aspen loves their Mac and cheese but she was too busy having a pretend conversation on her new play phone most of the night to actually eat. Kaybree voiced Mickey on the other end of the line.  I share all of this so we will always have recorded evidence of how positively spoiled and loved this little girl is. She has eve

Christmas gift for Barb

I didn’t keep a copy of my Christmas gift to Barb but we had a book printed. Here is the rough cut. What Aspen Knows Grandma Vance was a busy matriarch of a large family. She was always busy taking care of someone and to each person in her family she played a unique role. To some she was a confidant. To some she was a companion for sports games. To some she was a shopping partner. To many she was a baker and a maker of the most delicious foods. Some of her grandchildren saw her as the one person they were most afraid to disappoint. Some saw her as the one who always corrected their grammar. Some saw her as the enforcer of the family’s rules. But Aspen, the little one, saw her in a completely unique way. For Aspen, Grandma Vance was magic.  She was magic because she was stable.  Aspen knew every day, Monday through Friday, she would get to see Grandma Vance. She knew what Grandma Vance would be eating for breakfast (and that she might even share with her!) She knew Grandma would have al

Grandparent love

I LOVEthe relationship Aspen has with her grandparents. I don’t know any other kid this lucky. She spends all day every day playing with Grandma and Grandpa and even cries when someone mentions her getting older—because she knows it makes grandma sad. 

What do you want out of this?

I think when we started fostering we were often asked what we wanted. What was our intention? We didn’t want to grow our family. We didn’t have self improvement in mind (although that definitely happened.) For us, we felt like we had a great life and enough of it to share. We just wanted to love someone. I think the only healthy mindset to have while fostering is being prepared to love someone—no matter what. That was our biggest take away. We learned what truly, honestly unconditional love was.  What I’m most proud of is the fact that that love has endured. J has been coming around pretty often lately. The day before his 21st birthday he allowed us to take him out to celebrate. This past weekend he brought his girlfriend over and they stayed and played games after dinner. He’s still not “successful.” He didn’t finish high school. He’s not excelling at work. His current landlord is kicking him out at the end of the month and with his work schedule… his future housing situation does not