A Place to Write

I can't eat my lunch right now because I'm too worked up. So I have to write. I just got off the phone with J's teacher. His school is a block schedule so he only has two teachers/classes at a time. She expressed to me her concern because J is failing her class. He's been blowing off a big project when he had more than enough time to work on it. If he had turned it in, he'd be passing the class. He could still turn it in and pass the class--if he's motivated to do that. Beyond that he's rude and disrespectful and swears a lot and doesn't seem to care what others think of him. I know that's preached as a good thing to most kids but trust me--it's not. When a teacher asks you if you want to join the baseball team and your response is "No I don't want to do that. You bug me." there's a problem. When you show up to school with a comforter instead of a jacket even though you have jackets at home--there's a problem with that.

Yesterday Eisley started coughing and had a fever. It was obvious she was not feeling well. All night she whimpered in her sleep and slept with me for comfort. This morning I decided to let the girls sleep a little later so I could catch up on a little sleep too. Kaybree eventually woke up on her own and got dressed. When Eisley and I finally got up I left her watching TV in my room while I went to take a shower. I heard Kaybree come into the room and ask Eisley how she was feeling. When I came out of the bathroom my bed was empty but as I came down the stairs Eisley was tucked into some blankets on the couch, remote in hand, with Kaybree's pillow behind her head. Kaybree had taken her downstairs and got her settled in her favorite spot in front of the TV, with all the comfy blankets and pillows she could ask for. Kaybree, you are the sweetest little girl. Last night you had your first performance with Millenial Choirs and Orchestra. You were very brave going on stage and didn&

"So I've got a friend, who I met at Frys. He's an older guy. He's got a car he wants to give me and soon he's starting a business so when I'm 18 and a half or 19 I think I'm going to move out and move in with him and work for him." "Doing what?" "I don't really know but he's going to have this business." "OK. Well, good luck with that. Get it in writing and get a title for the car." I walked away just shaking my head. Silently I thought "At least he didn't tell me he's going to become a rapper. He might as well though... A couple hours later I talked with him again. "OK, so I've been texting him and finding out more about this job." "OK." "So he's going to be a rapper. And he says we'll find something for me to do, something I'm good at. Something that will make me $1,000 a day and I can probably start doing it from home--maybe finding new beats online.

I've heard about a million times I've given J too much freedom and he needs more structure. I always hate that. Because I can offer all the structure in the world but he's not a structured kid and I will drive myself crazy trying to make him be. Why he doesn't have designated homework time: He shouldn't have any homework. That's the way his school is set up.  And each day when I ask "How's school?" I get a "Good." or "Fantastic." or "Long." He doesn't tell me he didn't turn in his work today. He may not even realize he didn't turn it in. The school also has no rules around communication with parents. The school doesn't tell me anything. There's nowhere online I can go to look. Even in the past when there has been it's updated maybe once every few weeks. So I go along happily, knowing we did our part and dropped him off at school and I even pack him a lunch each day in hopes that he'll eat

I am two months away from having a baby. Two months. And in those two months I'm concentrating on holidays and family and I think it's going to fly by. It's so crazy to think about. I had my final ultrasound last week. The baby is over 2 pounds right now and the Dr expects her to be right around 8 lbs when she arrives. She's measuring right on track and looking very healthy. When I feel her move she takes up all the space. How can someone so small take up so much space? I don't complain about her movements though. She doesn't move a ton. She's not like Kaybree who bruised my ribs from kicking so much. I suppose there's still time for that. She still just has small movements and never for very long. I wonder if that says something about her future personality. Is this a super chill baby? We changed her name. I was hearing Avery way too much--it's too popular. So we're going with the name I originally wanted more than Avery which is Aspen. We

I write to vent and to help myself cope but I would never want anyone to read through my posts and think this is it. Life is not a series of heartbreaks. In fact, most nights I lay down in bed and think my life is pretty darn near perfect. I was not expecting a date that weekend. It was just a Saturday night in September. I came home from grocery shopping with a plan for dinner. But you threw it out the window and suddenly the girls were off to a sitter and I was opening the door to Melissa and Kyle. I still didn't understand what was happening until we pulled up to Goodwill and suddenly I knew. You sir, are the best at surprises. And I love surprises so I guess that makes us a great match. So a few weeks ago we re-created our first date. Ten years ago you asked me on a double date. You picked me up in your step dad's big truck and we drove to DI. We bought ridiculous outfits for each other and then returned to your home to try them on and ride around the neighborhood

It's the middle of the night and I can't sleep. I keep thinking of everything I want to say to you but can't. If there's anything I've learned it's my pain doesn't matter. My rejection doesn't matter. Because you're the one in pain. You're the one with trauma. I just have to remember that. Anything you do to me can't hurt me. I can't be offended. But why won't you go on vacation with us? Why won't you come home for dinner? Why won't you come out of your room? Why won't you freaking hug me sometimes? Just a few days ago I sat and reminded brendon that what we are doing is a good thing and we can't give up. But tonight the rejection is hitting me hard. It hurts. You don't mean to hurt or offend. You're just taking care of you. And because of your trauma, I have to accept that. So I'll just sit here and cry for a while. I'll let my heart break while you do you. I'll play the part of landlord when wh

As I walked into work this morning I noticed something strange. My stomach was in my line of vision as I walked. That doesn't happen usually. So I thought I must be walking strange. But no, my stomach is actually that big. I remember with Kaybree I got swollen. I couldn't wear my wedding ring. I had constant cancles instead of ankles. I see pictures and think "Ugh, even my face was gross." So puffy. I was relieved when it went away quickly. I don't remember at what stage it all started happening though. I just remember that it did. With Eisley I was much less swollen. I didn't get the swelling in my legs. I eventually had to resort to the fake wedding ring instead of my real one but it was much later on. I took Kaybree to a free photo session one weekend and it ended up being Mommy and me photos since she refused to smile on her own. I actually look cute in the photos. Super pregnant, but cute. The kind of pregnant you might miss if you saw me from behind.

This pregnancy feels different. It feels like it's happening faster. Maybe because I know what's coming at each step and it's a thrill to feel it happening. I have never not been excited about a pregnancy but maybe I've just forgotten that. I'm excited. I'm excited about every kick. About the swell in my belly (though I would not be opposed if that moved a little slower) I'm excited about the thought of labor and delivery and maternity leave and nursing. And I have so many people excited with me. Not just adults this time but my girls too. They can't wait for Avery Lou. We've decided to name her that, even though I'm not 100% in love with it. I can't imagine anything more fitting at this moment so Avery Lou it is. Both the girls are thrilled. They love knowing I have a baby in me and Eisley seems especially curious about how it all works. In other news, Kaybree lost her first tooth today. She pulled it out all by herself while eating

I'm stuck with this constant decision: Give a punishment even though I know it won't work or ignore the problem completely even though I know the result will not be good. It's always about school. For whatever reason you seem to give up when it comes to school. When asked, you are fully committed. But when a challenge comes up, like a teacher you don't quite connect with, you give up. You decide to sleep instead of work. You know it's a mistake. You know you have already failed enough classes to require you to take an additional year of high school (at least). And yet, any time I offer assistance you act like I have no trust in you and you push me away. I don't have any trust when it comes to your school work. You haven't earned it. But I still have hope. I believe you have the capacity. I believe if you apply yourself you could go far. But you don't. And I can't make you. Yesterday you were sent home from school for sleeping in class and giving a

We found out the gender of the baby today! It's our third girl! She's growing right on schedule, happy and healthy. And J does not care. He doesn't want to see ultrasound pictures. He doesn't want to be surprised by the gender. He doesn't want to be involved with this kid at all. And from his reaction I have a sneaking suspicion this baby is the reason for his sudden desire to leave. Until this baby came along he was fine staying for forever. Now he wants very little to do with me. And I'm offended. Because I think he would love this baby. Maybe that's what he's afraid of.

The hardest part of foster care has not been the medical appointments, the overwhelmed system, the biological family, or even the teenage angst. The hardest part for me, has been witnessing a child who has lost all hope that the world is good and happy and knowing there is very little I can do to change that perception. We had a lesson in Young Women's yesterday about the family. We read the Family Proclamation and we were asked why the family was important. I think I did a terrible job of sharing my response because I could hardly breath through my ugly cry (serious pregnancy issues) but it really hit me how important our families are and the damage that is caused when families are not cherished. We are placed in families because we need each other. We learn from each other. When I'm at my wits end, I need Brendon to step in and save the day. Otherwise my anger may boil over and my kids may experience a side of me I never want them to see. When I can't make a decision,

"I want to do independent living." I think at one time if I had hear those words from J I would have cried but when it actually came I just feel... peace. I know J doesn't feel like he belongs here and I hate for him to waste his time in a family when that's not what he wants. I'm excited for him to grow up a little and go out on his own. His ideal situation would be to get an apartment of his own, possibly with a roommate, and take advantage of the subsidy the state provides and manage his own budget. He's still too young for that to happen but his social worker presented the idea of Tumbleweed Youth Center to him today. It's basically a large group home. The youth there follow the same rules as a group home but they live in apartments. So he would probably have a roommate, each would have their own room in a two bedroom apartment and they'd have shared living space. Meals are provided but he'd have to find his own transportation to school or

It's been so long since I've felt a deep desire to write. I'm not sure where to begin. I'm about 15 weeks pregnant now. Next week I'll find out the gender and I'll rush home and bake a cake so I can surprise the kids. When we told J we were pregnant again he was not happy. It was difficult for him to express why he wasn't happy. At first it was because he didn't like to see people fail at things (assuming we'd probably have another miscarriage and get hurt again) and then it was something only a foster child could understand (being replaced). Eventually it seemed OK. Then we went through a rough patch for a few weeks. It seemed like everything I said he would react to. Even hello was met with annoyance. He was overly rude to me. We've talked about it and we've discussed the reasoning behind it, the being pushed away--but it hasn't stopped. There's just this awkward space between him and me. He's not purposely trying to be rude

"I'm finally a first grader," you say as if you've been waiting for this time to come forever. You're not actually a first grader but you did graduate from kindergarten so I guess it depends on perspective. You've said this to anyone and everyone who strikes up a conversation with you over the past few weeks and you've said it to me more than once. I think you're finally feeling like a big girl and this is proof--you're finally a first grader. I'm convinced the only reason kindergarten graduation is held is to give parents a chance to cry. Me and Dad were both there as you sang "Here comes the Sun" and walked across the stage to grab your "diploma." You were so excited. Each student drew self portraits which were printed on t-shirts for the ceremony. I think yours is the best in your class. Definitely the most personality! And your teacher, Mrs. Hunsaker, says you are the sweetest student she has ever had. A few days af

We traveled to Salt Lake this week to participate in Brendon's orientation for his new job as a full time seminary teacher and as I look back over the past two days I feel like the best way to describe it is uplifting. No other job compares to this one. No other company will tell you you will change lives and you will prepare a generation for achieving eternal happiness. No other company will tell you exactly how to be worthy of that charge. There is a lot of pressure with this new position. We, as a couple, are encouraged to be ambassadors of the Lord. We are encouraged to be examples of an exemplary marriage and a Christ-centered home. We are encouraged to be lifelong learners and to respectfully accept criticism. We are asked to love the unlovable. For the next two years Brendon will teach full time while also completing some projects, meeting regularly with a mentor, and continually being observed. At the end of the two years he'll be encouraged to get a Masters degre

I'm crying in my work parking lot. And the image I have in my head is of you laughing at me. Laughing for caring. Laughing at my sensitivity. Laughing at my beliefs. Because I believe in kindness. I believe in treating others the way I would like to be treated. Always. I don't steal. I don't use words that are offensive to others. I don't put myself in any situation that could possibly cause harm to another human. I've never been in a situation where I felt like in order to survive, I had to hurt someone else. You have. And so now your mind is tainted. The urge to steal is always present. Doing whatever you need to do to be comfortable is what is most important. And that breaks my heart. Because I believe you are good and it feels like through that conversation you are doing all you can to convince me otherwise. You cannot see the good in the world. While on the surface I'm hurt because you LITERALLY laughed and said "don't put your beliefs on me&q

Ten years ago I got a call from Amy. She told me we were needed at the hospital. Michelle had been there for a few days. She'd been there on and off for weeks. She would be sent home, then fall and need to go back. It was terrible every time. This time when I got there Mom, Dad and Aunt Karen were all in a conference room and they told us the doctors were out of options. They could try a potential surgery but it probably wouldn't work and it would be painful. She was in a coma with a machine helping her breath and they had decided to make her comfortable and let her go. We sat by her bed all day. We cried and laughed and remembered. And just like Michelle, she waited until we had mostly left to finally pass away. Today Katie wants to release balloons. I told Jose he can come or not. He chose not because he didn't know her. I think he would have liked her. She didn't try too hard to be nice. She wasn't particularly outgoing but if she didn't have anything to

In a few weeks we fly to Utah for new seminary teacher orientation because my sexy husband just got hired! I could not be more proud of this boy. Ten years ago when we met this was his dream career and I was so excited to support that. He's put it off long enough but the past few months he has been his happiest self and today it all came together. I rushed home from work at noon to be here when the email came and I got to read over his shoulder as he was offered a position. We won't find out where for a few more days but we are thrilled. I had the thought tonight that this is it. Brendon finally has his career. And I have mine. And this is our life. And it is amazing.

This week we'll finally find out if Brendon will be hired to be a seminary teacher. It's been an interesting process. Each month the spouses are invited to attend a special training and each month the message is about finding joy in the journey and trusting the Lord. It has been explained to us over and over that if you are not hired all full time it not about your worthiness or your effort. It's really just that the Lord is not calling you to do this work at this time. When we were discussing whether or not we would fast this month for this issue Brendon said it feels like fasting to become Bishop. If the Lord wants you to be a bishop, you will be. You don't need to fast for it. I of course feel nervous about this. We have no back up plan. We have found nothing that brings Brendon as much joy as this does. I can't imagine his reaction if the answer is no. But Brendon said he feels peace. The youth theme this year is D&C 19:23. Learn of me, listen to my word

The funny thing about a miscarriage is how it continues to haunt you. For at least 9 months and probably longer. A coworker announced she's pregnant. Fifteen weeks. Due in September. And my first thought was "Me too!" And then I realized how awkward it would be to say that. And then I realized how jealous i am of her healthy pregnancy. And then I realized how much I've mentally prepared for every mile stone. So I'm going to remember all those things. I'm going to notice in May when I don't get to find out the gender. I'm going to notice this summer when I don't have a pregnant belly to show off. I'm going to notice in September when no baby comes. I'm going to notice in October when I don't have maternity leave. This week I flew to Boston for a work trip. My miscarriage happened naturally and I felt relieved and ready to move forward. I booked a B&B and a flight for Brendon to come join me. It was going to be our anniversary cele

Kaybree asked the other day to look at old photos of herself and I didn't have any handy but I just opened my old dropbox and found a ton so I thought I'd post them here so they can be easily accessible. Kaybree, you could not have been any cuter! Holy cow! It's also so fun to see how in love with Eisley you were right from the beginning. I can't wait till you have a new sibling to love on!