A Place to Write

We found out the gender of the baby today! It's our third girl! She's growing right on schedule, happy and healthy. And J does not care. He doesn't want to see ultrasound pictures. He doesn't want to be surprised by the gender. He doesn't want to be involved with this kid at all. And from his reaction I have a sneaking suspicion this baby is the reason for his sudden desire to leave. Until this baby came along he was fine staying for forever. Now he wants very little to do with me. And I'm offended. Because I think he would love this baby. Maybe that's what he's afraid of.

The hardest part of foster care has not been the medical appointments, the overwhelmed system, the biological family, or even the teenage angst. The hardest part for me, has been witnessing a child who has lost all hope that the world is good and happy and knowing there is very little I can do to change that perception. We had a lesson in Young Women's yesterday about the family. We read the Family Proclamation and we were asked why the family was important. I think I did a terrible job of sharing my response because I could hardly breath through my ugly cry (serious pregnancy issues) but it really hit me how important our families are and the damage that is caused when families are not cherished. We are placed in families because we need each other. We learn from each other. When I'm at my wits end, I need Brendon to step in and save the day. Otherwise my anger may boil over and my kids may experience a side of me I never want them to see. When I can't make a decision,

"I want to do independent living." I think at one time if I had hear those words from J I would have cried but when it actually came I just feel... peace. I know J doesn't feel like he belongs here and I hate for him to waste his time in a family when that's not what he wants. I'm excited for him to grow up a little and go out on his own. His ideal situation would be to get an apartment of his own, possibly with a roommate, and take advantage of the subsidy the state provides and manage his own budget. He's still too young for that to happen but his social worker presented the idea of Tumbleweed Youth Center to him today. It's basically a large group home. The youth there follow the same rules as a group home but they live in apartments. So he would probably have a roommate, each would have their own room in a two bedroom apartment and they'd have shared living space. Meals are provided but he'd have to find his own transportation to school or