A Place to Write

Yesterday Eisley started coughing and had a fever. It was obvious she was not feeling well. All night she whimpered in her sleep and slept with me for comfort. This morning I decided to let the girls sleep a little later so I could catch up on a little sleep too. Kaybree eventually woke up on her own and got dressed. When Eisley and I finally got up I left her watching TV in my room while I went to take a shower. I heard Kaybree come into the room and ask Eisley how she was feeling. When I came out of the bathroom my bed was empty but as I came down the stairs Eisley was tucked into some blankets on the couch, remote in hand, with Kaybree's pillow behind her head. Kaybree had taken her downstairs and got her settled in her favorite spot in front of the TV, with all the comfy blankets and pillows she could ask for. Kaybree, you are the sweetest little girl. Last night you had your first performance with Millenial Choirs and Orchestra. You were very brave going on stage and didn...

"So I've got a friend, who I met at Frys. He's an older guy. He's got a car he wants to give me and soon he's starting a business so when I'm 18 and a half or 19 I think I'm going to move out and move in with him and work for him." "Doing what?" "I don't really know but he's going to have this business." "OK. Well, good luck with that. Get it in writing and get a title for the car." I walked away just shaking my head. Silently I thought "At least he didn't tell me he's going to become a rapper. He might as well though... A couple hours later I talked with him again. "OK, so I've been texting him and finding out more about this job." "OK." "So he's going to be a rapper. And he says we'll find something for me to do, something I'm good at. Something that will make me $1,000 a day and I can probably start doing it from home--maybe finding new beats online....

I've heard about a million times I've given J too much freedom and he needs more structure. I always hate that. Because I can offer all the structure in the world but he's not a structured kid and I will drive myself crazy trying to make him be. Why he doesn't have designated homework time: He shouldn't have any homework. That's the way his school is set up.  And each day when I ask "How's school?" I get a "Good." or "Fantastic." or "Long." He doesn't tell me he didn't turn in his work today. He may not even realize he didn't turn it in. The school also has no rules around communication with parents. The school doesn't tell me anything. There's nowhere online I can go to look. Even in the past when there has been it's updated maybe once every few weeks. So I go along happily, knowing we did our part and dropped him off at school and I even pack him a lunch each day in hopes that he'll eat ...

I am two months away from having a baby. Two months. And in those two months I'm concentrating on holidays and family and I think it's going to fly by. It's so crazy to think about. I had my final ultrasound last week. The baby is over 2 pounds right now and the Dr expects her to be right around 8 lbs when she arrives. She's measuring right on track and looking very healthy. When I feel her move she takes up all the space. How can someone so small take up so much space? I don't complain about her movements though. She doesn't move a ton. She's not like Kaybree who bruised my ribs from kicking so much. I suppose there's still time for that. She still just has small movements and never for very long. I wonder if that says something about her future personality. Is this a super chill baby? We changed her name. I was hearing Avery way too much--it's too popular. So we're going with the name I originally wanted more than Avery which is Aspen. We...

I write to vent and to help myself cope but I would never want anyone to read through my posts and think this is it. Life is not a series of heartbreaks. In fact, most nights I lay down in bed and think my life is pretty darn near perfect. I was not expecting a date that weekend. It was just a Saturday night in September. I came home from grocery shopping with a plan for dinner. But you threw it out the window and suddenly the girls were off to a sitter and I was opening the door to Melissa and Kyle. I still didn't understand what was happening until we pulled up to Goodwill and suddenly I knew. You sir, are the best at surprises. And I love surprises so I guess that makes us a great match. So a few weeks ago we re-created our first date. Ten years ago you asked me on a double date. You picked me up in your step dad's big truck and we drove to DI. We bought ridiculous outfits for each other and then returned to your home to try them on and ride around the neighborhood ...

It's the middle of the night and I can't sleep. I keep thinking of everything I want to say to you but can't. If there's anything I've learned it's my pain doesn't matter. My rejection doesn't matter. Because you're the one in pain. You're the one with trauma. I just have to remember that. Anything you do to me can't hurt me. I can't be offended. But why won't you go on vacation with us? Why won't you come home for dinner? Why won't you come out of your room? Why won't you freaking hug me sometimes? Just a few days ago I sat and reminded brendon that what we are doing is a good thing and we can't give up. But tonight the rejection is hitting me hard. It hurts. You don't mean to hurt or offend. You're just taking care of you. And because of your trauma, I have to accept that. So I'll just sit here and cry for a while. I'll let my heart break while you do you. I'll play the part of landlord when wh...

As I walked into work this morning I noticed something strange. My stomach was in my line of vision as I walked. That doesn't happen usually. So I thought I must be walking strange. But no, my stomach is actually that big. I remember with Kaybree I got swollen. I couldn't wear my wedding ring. I had constant cancles instead of ankles. I see pictures and think "Ugh, even my face was gross." So puffy. I was relieved when it went away quickly. I don't remember at what stage it all started happening though. I just remember that it did. With Eisley I was much less swollen. I didn't get the swelling in my legs. I eventually had to resort to the fake wedding ring instead of my real one but it was much later on. I took Kaybree to a free photo session one weekend and it ended up being Mommy and me photos since she refused to smile on her own. I actually look cute in the photos. Super pregnant, but cute. The kind of pregnant you might miss if you saw me from behind....