You look healthy

This portion was written September 14, 2026

I think I’ve officially hit the hard part of having a mastectomy. All the help is gone and the recovery is lingering and I’m bored and anxious and annoyed. 

I feel like I could get back to normal life, if it were totally up to me, but accordingly to my doctor this drain that is attached to me is still draining too much so it cannot be removed—so I cannot shower and I cannot move my arms too much and I cannot stop taking antibiotics and I can’t do anything I want to do. 

I hit a bit of a wall on Tuesday. I have to empty and measure my drain two times a day. The goal is to get to 20ml or less per day. After two consecutive days of that, they can remove the drain. For a couple days, my numbers were going down and I was feeling so confident that my drain would be coming out at my next appointment on Wednesday. By Tuesday morning I was emptying only drops from my drain and I was thrilled. Unfortunately, when I checked my drain just a couple hours later, it had WAY more liquid than there had been for days. I was experiencing a spike and I knew it would mean my drain would not be removed. 

I texted Brendon and told him I was draining more than usual. He said "Maybe you're doing too much." which is the worst possible thing to say to ME when I feel like I've been doing less than half of my normal activity. 

I spent the rest of the day trying to be extra careful but that night there was still dinner that had to be made and I had purchased some air mattresses that I really wanted to test out and no one would help me (because I can't lift that much weight to get them out of the box) and the kids were fighting over being asked to put dishes away and it just felt like "How dare these people tell me I'm doing too much and then refuse to step up and do more!"

I know my family would do anything for me if I asked but we're at the point where they'll do it--but not without complaining first.

The truth is, my drain likely got clogged and I missed the clog. That night I drained 30 ml from my drain and at my appointment the next day, they broke the news that it would be another couple days before the drain could come out.

I'm also at the hard part because I really CAN do a lot. More than people think I should be doing. On Saturday, I went to Eisley's last volleyball game of the season. The game I said I couldn't coach--because I really can't be catching and throwing balls right now. One of the moms asked me how I was doing then looked me up and down and said "You look healthy." 

That made me laugh a little bit. I do look healthy. And to be fair, I was never NOT healthy. That's kind of the point of this thing. I imagine when people think of mastectomy they think of the months of recovery and while yes, I do have that, it's not nearly as bad as the recovery+chemo+raditation that most breast cancer patients go through. Bethany told me her original plan was to get expanders placed right away, just like I had, but her doctor came in the day of her surgery and told her that wouldn't be a good idea because the radiation she still had to complete would mess with her expanders. Before surgery I was given a big packet full of warnings and things to look out for. 95% of those warnings were really side effects of chemo or radiation. It changes your skin and your hormones and the way your body reacts to things and all of that makes this surgery so much harder.

I think people expect me to be fighting for my life but the reality is I'm just going through a very aggressive boob job.

This portion I added on on 9/18/26:

Breast cancer patients do not like thinking of their mastectomy as a boob job. It's really not. It is an amputation. If I had a boob job my boobs would be added onto, not removed and rebuilt from scratch. I'm seeing first hand there is a big difference. 

I had my first fill this week of my expanders. One 100cc fill and I already have more boob than I've ever had in my life--but they are not like my original boobs. That's really my fault because I opted to get rid of my nipples. With no nipples there's no natural curve there, and the scar in that area may make my boobs flatter at the peak than I would like. Brendon was afraid I would regret not saving my nipples, because I did have a choice, but I don't. There is still breast tissue in the nipples so there is still risk if you decide to keep them. I also learned this week that I have no feeling in my skin, which confirms that I would not have been able to feel my nipples. That feeling will likely never return. It actually doesn't bother me, but I will need to be a little more cautious of sun exposure, because I can't feel it. 

The good news is my final drain came out TODAY! They want you to wait 48 hours before you can take a real shower but I cannot explain how anxious and excited I am for a real shower! I've only been able to wash the lower half of my body in the shower, and then I beg Brendon to wash my hair every 4 days or so. He does it willingly, he's happy to, he's just busy so it's tough to find the right time. And tonight, we are going to our ward campout and I am excited!