A Place to Write

 It's really difficult to explain the imposter syndrome I feel right now. Tomorrow is National Previvor Day. It's for anyone with a high risk of cancer who is doing something about it--whether that's extra screening or genetic testing or surgery. It's for me. I'm a Previvor.  I had my double mastectomy four weeks ago. Looking at me at work, you'd have no idea. I've got expanders giving my chest some shape and while I may shy away from lifting anything, there are no other signs of anything physical happening. I also feel fine. I have good energy. I have good strength. I also have some discomfort of bra hitting expander--but it's minimal.  I keep seeing videos of women sharing their experience with their mastectomy, setting their phone up to show their husbands gingerly lifting them from their bed or couch, because they are not able to lift themselves. Their bras are full of surgical pads to protect their incisions. They look tired and annoyed and sad. Tha...

 I went to lunch with Brendon and some of his coworkers yesterday and one asked me how I'm handling it, having teenage girls and I just smiled. I LOVE having teenage girls! They are so fun!  Want to go shopping? Always. Want to get a soda? Of course. Want to tell me about your day? Tell me! I had a flashback to earlier this week. Eisley had started getting texts from this boy from school. She didn't really know him but she had heard from some friends that he had a crush on her, so she was being polite. He asked to sit with her at lunch and she said sure. It really wasn't a big deal to her, because she didn't have any interest in him. Then another friend texted her and said she had to share a conversation she was having with this boy. She sent over 80 screenshots of her conversations with this boy, for Eisley to read. Eisley and I sat with the phone together, reading through and making fun of his terrible, terrible grammar. He used the wrong version of right (write), kno...

This portion was written September 14, 2026 I think I’ve officially hit the hard part of having a mastectomy. All the help is gone and the recovery is lingering and I’m bored and anxious and annoyed.  I feel like I could get back to normal life, if it were totally up to me, but accordingly to my doctor this drain that is attached to me is still draining too much so it cannot be removed—so I cannot shower and I cannot move my arms too much and I cannot stop taking antibiotics and I can’t do anything I want to do.  I hit a bit of a wall on Tuesday. I have to empty and measure my drain two times a day. The goal is to get to 20ml or less per day. After two consecutive days of that, they can remove the drain. For a couple days, my numbers were going down and I was feeling so confident that my drain would be coming out at my next appointment on Wednesday. By Tuesday morning I was emptying only drops from my drain and I was thrilled. Unfortunately, when I checked my drain just a coup...

Written sept 4, 2026 Still feeling good! Like surprisingly good. Like why was I so scared? Actually, to be honest I’m scared about money. I know how much we paid for the first surgery, now we still have to get through reconstruction and I have no idea how much it’s going to cost and that is absolutely terrifying. So that’s my big fear.  But healthwise, I’m doing good. My doctor called yesterday and said there was no cancer in anything she removed. Is it weird that I wish there had been? Just so I could feel justified for having this surgery.  I’m currently trying to balance letting myself heal with not going insane. I don’t want to sit around all day but I don’t know how much exercise is too much. I can’t lift anything, but I can walk.  The expanders are crazy uncomfortable. It is 2026 and this is the best design we could come up with? They are hard plastic, with hard edges that poke into my skin and my armpit and hurt! I can’t wait for them to start to get filled just to...

Written Sept 2, 2026 Well, here we are. Had my mastectomy on Monday bright and early and came home feeling shockingly good. The meds were definitely working that day! Brendon stayed with me while I got signed in and set up for surgery and then we shared a couple tears and a quick kiss and I was wheeled back to surgery. I remember being pushed down the hallway and then that was it. Next thing I know, I’m being woken up and told all went well. Now it is Wednesday and I’m starting to feel it. I tried to take my bra off to change out some bandages and immediately that was a terrible idea. Each morning my range of motion in my arms is a little less. Can’t stretch to the side or above without a sharp pain telling me to stop! So I guess today I’ll stop.  I’ve been emotional for the past week but not out of fear. I’m blown away with how many people have reached out to let me know they are praying for me, to offer to bring a meal, or just to check in. I’m feeling so incredibly loved and sup...

 Everyone had their first day of school yesterday. Kaybree started 9th grade. since Eastmark is 7-12 grade, this transition hasn't been too scary for Kaybree. She has already been at the school for two years and I think she's excited to have Eisley there with her. to be honest, she wanted to switch to a different school this year to have more choices for electives, but she agreed to stay at Eastmark because that's where Eisley wanted to go. However, Kaybree had a small meltdown the night before school because I did not buy the right notebooks. She insisted she needed a composition notebook for every class and she only wanted notebooks with a solid colored cover and it needed to be a different color for each class. The 12 I ordered that had the typical composition notebook style and only came in 3 colors would not suffice. She ended up ordering her own from Amazon the night before. She survived. Kaybree just started seminary. Brendon got a new position so he is no longer tea...