A Place to Write

This portion was written September 14, 2026 I think I’ve officially hit the hard part of having a mastectomy. All the help is gone and the recovery is lingering and I’m bored and anxious and annoyed.  I feel like I could get back to normal life, if it were totally up to me, but accordingly to my doctor this drain that is attached to me is still draining too much so it cannot be removed—so I cannot shower and I cannot move my arms too much and I cannot stop taking antibiotics and I can’t do anything I want to do.  I hit a bit of a wall on Tuesday. I have to empty and measure my drain two times a day. The goal is to get to 20ml or less per day. After two consecutive days of that, they can remove the drain. For a couple days, my numbers were going down and I was feeling so confident that my drain would be coming out at my next appointment on Wednesday. By Tuesday morning I was emptying only drops from my drain and I was thrilled. Unfortunately, when I checked my drain just a coup...

Written sept 4, 2026 Still feeling good! Like surprisingly good. Like why was I so scared? Actually, to be honest I’m scared about money. I know how much we paid for the first surgery, now we still have to get through reconstruction and I have no idea how much it’s going to cost and that is absolutely terrifying. So that’s my big fear.  But healthwise, I’m doing good. My doctor called yesterday and said there was no cancer in anything she removed. Is it weird that I wish there had been? Just so I could feel justified for having this surgery.  I’m currently trying to balance letting myself heal with not going insane. I don’t want to sit around all day but I don’t know how much exercise is too much. I can’t lift anything, but I can walk.  The expanders are crazy uncomfortable. It is 2026 and this is the best design we could come up with? They are hard plastic, with hard edges that poke into my skin and my armpit and hurt! I can’t wait for them to start to get filled just to...

Written Sept 2, 2026 Well, here we are. Had my mastectomy on Monday bright and early and came home feeling shockingly good. The meds were definitely working that day! Brendon stayed with me while I got signed in and set up for surgery and then we shared a couple tears and a quick kiss and I was wheeled back to surgery. I remember being pushed down the hallway and then that was it. Next thing I know, I’m being woken up and told all went well. Now it is Wednesday and I’m starting to feel it. I tried to take my bra off to change out some bandages and immediately that was a terrible idea. Each morning my range of motion in my arms is a little less. Can’t stretch to the side or above without a sharp pain telling me to stop! So I guess today I’ll stop.  I’ve been emotional for the past week but not out of fear. I’m blown away with how many people have reached out to let me know they are praying for me, to offer to bring a meal, or just to check in. I’m feeling so incredibly loved and sup...

 Everyone had their first day of school yesterday. Kaybree started 9th grade. since Eastmark is 7-12 grade, this transition hasn't been too scary for Kaybree. She has already been at the school for two years and I think she's excited to have Eisley there with her. to be honest, she wanted to switch to a different school this year to have more choices for electives, but she agreed to stay at Eastmark because that's where Eisley wanted to go. However, Kaybree had a small meltdown the night before school because I did not buy the right notebooks. She insisted she needed a composition notebook for every class and she only wanted notebooks with a solid colored cover and it needed to be a different color for each class. The 12 I ordered that had the typical composition notebook style and only came in 3 colors would not suffice. She ended up ordering her own from Amazon the night before. She survived. Kaybree just started seminary. Brendon got a new position so he is no longer tea...

In January I cried through my appointments with my oncology doctor and surgeons. The whole idea of having a preventative mastectomy was overwhelming.  I made my peace with it. I made a plan for myself. Work slows down near the end of the year and we get all sorts of holidays so I thought if I could take my time off then, I would be fine. I made it through two whole doctor's appointments with no tears and no fear, because I had a plan, and then today that was messed up. My doctor told me reconstruction could take up to three months--which means I can't do the surgery when I originally planned if I want to get it all done in one calendar year (for insurance purposes). She suggested moving it up to August. That is next month. And if we do the surgery in August that means our family trip we have planned for October--it's a no. Camping trip I planned for September? Probably not. And honestly that all makes me more upset than anything. And suddenly I'm crying again.  I want t...

I loved that I got the chance to go to girls camp with kaybree and eisley this year. We went to camp LoMia which is where I always went to camp when I was young.  It’s amazing to me how little has changed about that special camp. I love it! We had a great time. Eisley was obsessed with the camp songs and never stopped singing. All the leaders said she was born to be a YCL. Some day she is going to be an amazing one!  Kaybree made a new friend and stood up for her, even when her other friend tried to convince her she was annoying. I was proud of that.  On the final night, our stake presidency gave a small devotional. President Nelson told each of the girls to close their eyes and picture the most faithful person they know. He explained that they were all thinking of someone and it was very likely that none of them were thinking of the same person. We are surrounded by faithful people and we can be that faithful person too. When the girls opened their eyes Eisley turned to ...