A Place to Write

 It's really difficult to explain the imposter syndrome I feel right now. Tomorrow is National Previvor Day. It's for anyone with a high risk of cancer who is doing something about it--whether that's extra screening or genetic testing or surgery. It's for me. I'm a Previvor.  I had my double mastectomy four weeks ago. Looking at me at work, you'd have no idea. I've got expanders giving my chest some shape and while I may shy away from lifting anything, there are no other signs of anything physical happening. I also feel fine. I have good energy. I have good strength. I also have some discomfort of bra hitting expander--but it's minimal.  I keep seeing videos of women sharing their experience with their mastectomy, setting their phone up to show their husbands gingerly lifting them from their bed or couch, because they are not able to lift themselves. Their bras are full of surgical pads to protect their incisions. They look tired and annoyed and sad. Tha...

 I went to lunch with Brendon and some of his coworkers yesterday and one asked me how I'm handling it, having teenage girls and I just smiled. I LOVE having teenage girls! They are so fun!  Want to go shopping? Always. Want to get a soda? Of course. Want to tell me about your day? Tell me! I had a flashback to earlier this week. Eisley had started getting texts from this boy from school. She didn't really know him but she had heard from some friends that he had a crush on her, so she was being polite. He asked to sit with her at lunch and she said sure. It really wasn't a big deal to her, because she didn't have any interest in him. Then another friend texted her and said she had to share a conversation she was having with this boy. She sent over 80 screenshots of her conversations with this boy, for Eisley to read. Eisley and I sat with the phone together, reading through and making fun of his terrible, terrible grammar. He used the wrong version of right (write), kno...

This portion was written September 14, 2026 I think I’ve officially hit the hard part of having a mastectomy. All the help is gone and the recovery is lingering and I’m bored and anxious and annoyed.  I feel like I could get back to normal life, if it were totally up to me, but accordingly to my doctor this drain that is attached to me is still draining too much so it cannot be removed—so I cannot shower and I cannot move my arms too much and I cannot stop taking antibiotics and I can’t do anything I want to do.  I hit a bit of a wall on Tuesday. I have to empty and measure my drain two times a day. The goal is to get to 20ml or less per day. After two consecutive days of that, they can remove the drain. For a couple days, my numbers were going down and I was feeling so confident that my drain would be coming out at my next appointment on Wednesday. By Tuesday morning I was emptying only drops from my drain and I was thrilled. Unfortunately, when I checked my drain just a coup...

Written sept 4, 2026 Still feeling good! Like surprisingly good. Like why was I so scared? Actually, to be honest I’m scared about money. I know how much we paid for the first surgery, now we still have to get through reconstruction and I have no idea how much it’s going to cost and that is absolutely terrifying. So that’s my big fear.  But healthwise, I’m doing good. My doctor called yesterday and said there was no cancer in anything she removed. Is it weird that I wish there had been? Just so I could feel justified for having this surgery.  I’m currently trying to balance letting myself heal with not going insane. I don’t want to sit around all day but I don’t know how much exercise is too much. I can’t lift anything, but I can walk.  The expanders are crazy uncomfortable. It is 2026 and this is the best design we could come up with? They are hard plastic, with hard edges that poke into my skin and my armpit and hurt! I can’t wait for them to start to get filled just to...

Written Sept 2, 2026 Well, here we are. Had my mastectomy on Monday bright and early and came home feeling shockingly good. The meds were definitely working that day! Brendon stayed with me while I got signed in and set up for surgery and then we shared a couple tears and a quick kiss and I was wheeled back to surgery. I remember being pushed down the hallway and then that was it. Next thing I know, I’m being woken up and told all went well. Now it is Wednesday and I’m starting to feel it. I tried to take my bra off to change out some bandages and immediately that was a terrible idea. Each morning my range of motion in my arms is a little less. Can’t stretch to the side or above without a sharp pain telling me to stop! So I guess today I’ll stop.  I’ve been emotional for the past week but not out of fear. I’m blown away with how many people have reached out to let me know they are praying for me, to offer to bring a meal, or just to check in. I’m feeling so incredibly loved and sup...

 Everyone had their first day of school yesterday. Kaybree started 9th grade. since Eastmark is 7-12 grade, this transition hasn't been too scary for Kaybree. She has already been at the school for two years and I think she's excited to have Eisley there with her. to be honest, she wanted to switch to a different school this year to have more choices for electives, but she agreed to stay at Eastmark because that's where Eisley wanted to go. However, Kaybree had a small meltdown the night before school because I did not buy the right notebooks. She insisted she needed a composition notebook for every class and she only wanted notebooks with a solid colored cover and it needed to be a different color for each class. The 12 I ordered that had the typical composition notebook style and only came in 3 colors would not suffice. She ended up ordering her own from Amazon the night before. She survived. Kaybree just started seminary. Brendon got a new position so he is no longer tea...

In January I cried through my appointments with my oncology doctor and surgeons. The whole idea of having a preventative mastectomy was overwhelming.  I made my peace with it. I made a plan for myself. Work slows down near the end of the year and we get all sorts of holidays so I thought if I could take my time off then, I would be fine. I made it through two whole doctor's appointments with no tears and no fear, because I had a plan, and then today that was messed up. My doctor told me reconstruction could take up to three months--which means I can't do the surgery when I originally planned if I want to get it all done in one calendar year (for insurance purposes). She suggested moving it up to August. That is next month. And if we do the surgery in August that means our family trip we have planned for October--it's a no. Camping trip I planned for September? Probably not. And honestly that all makes me more upset than anything. And suddenly I'm crying again.  I want t...

I loved that I got the chance to go to girls camp with kaybree and eisley this year. We went to camp LoMia which is where I always went to camp when I was young.  It’s amazing to me how little has changed about that special camp. I love it! We had a great time. Eisley was obsessed with the camp songs and never stopped singing. All the leaders said she was born to be a YCL. Some day she is going to be an amazing one!  Kaybree made a new friend and stood up for her, even when her other friend tried to convince her she was annoying. I was proud of that.  On the final night, our stake presidency gave a small devotional. President Nelson told each of the girls to close their eyes and picture the most faithful person they know. He explained that they were all thinking of someone and it was very likely that none of them were thinking of the same person. We are surrounded by faithful people and we can be that faithful person too. When the girls opened their eyes Eisley turned to ...

We just returned from a trip to Spokane, Washington. We celebrated the 20th anniversary of Brendon leaving on his mission. It was so beautiful there so green and luscious everywhere flowers everywhere.  Brendon is a terrible tour guide, but we all put up with his endless drives through every single neighborhood he tracked during his time there. He’s a terrible tour guide because he remembers the most minute details about his two years there and every memory leads to another so we, as the audience, hear the first sentence of one story and then he is distracted and jumps to the middle of the next story. There’s no doubt he loved his mission.  In between the long drives we did do as much tourist stuff as possible. We stopped at River Front park and rode the gondola over the river. We also rented pedal go carts for the girls to ride for an hour. We stopped at all the shops in downtown Pullman. We walked around the lake in Coeur d’Alene and ate ginormous ice cream sundaes. We also ...

 Have you ever had a conversation with someone and replayed it a million times in your head and thought of a million things you should have said? In the moment, silence was my only option, but now I feel like if I don't get these thoughts out of my head, I might crumble and die. And at the same time silence is probably still my best option when it comes to the person I had the actual conversation with. Hence, to the blog I go. Here is what I should have said: If you were not going to give me this job--why did you tell me to apply for it? Why did you have consistent, ongoing conversations with me about what the needs were and what it would look like? Why did you tell me to think optimistically and picture myself in that position? Why did you force my mind to go there? To be fair, you mentioned from the beginning that if I did not get the job, you had a plan for me. Now you want to have a conversation about what that will look like. You want to push me to a fundraiser role. The probl...

Today, I achieved a great professional achievement. I got my CFRE. It’s a big deal.  Brendon is out of town so I took the girls to get sushi to celebrate. This was our conversation on the way home.  *Passed by a Husband and Wife Law Team billboard Eisley: That dude wears suspenders. I would not call them first. I would call Jonathan first.  Me: I would call Brother Briggs first because he’s a criminal defense lawyer. Jon does HOA law which would not be very useful. Eisley: Ooo yeah. I feel like I’m going to be that kid some day. I’d call Brittany because she has experience, then Bro Briggs.  Me: You’re going to be the one to call to hide a body?  Eisley: Yeah. I’ll probably already be hiding one. I feel like I’m the Brittany, Aspen is Brodie, Kaybree is Dad.  Kaybree: Hmmm, I’m not sure. Aspen—do you like girls? Aspen: What? Kaybree: Just, would you like to marry a girl one day? Aspen: No.  Eisley: If you did, we would love her.  And then we all l...

Originally written 4/15/26 I volunteered to be a “fun” mom tomorrow and participate in “Whose mom is it?” During primary. There will be four moms with bags on our heads and we will answer questions and the kids will have to guess who it is. Problem is the questions are so hard! I’ll paste them here and practice my answers. What’s your “mom superpower” (besides finding lost things)? I think maybe filling out paperwork? I excel at that.  What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever said as a mom? Probably “no more licking your sister’s feet.” How long can you hide in the bathroom before someone notices? I think 15 minutes before they start wondering where I’m at but a solid hour till they find me. What’s your most-used mom phrase? I don’t know. Maybe “Do it yourself?” Have you ever eaten candy in secret so you didn’t have to share? Of course. ⸻ 🍕 Everyday Mom Life Humor What’s your go-to “I don’t feel like cooking” dinner? Chicken Alfredo. Or beans and rice. What chore do you pr...

Originally written 4/21/26 We had another night by the fire at the park. To fill silence, Kaybree told us all her husbands. They include: The boy from Lyle Lyle Crocodile  Jaylin Green or Dillan Brooks from the Suns A boy from the ward who she didn’t want to name. Chad Michael Murray Eisley told us all that Chad Michael Murray was SO ugly, but she liked that guy from Gilmore Girls who Rory went to school with. Tristan. Played by Chad Michael Murray… Then I busted out the blog to share a few stories. Aspen was disappointed that I only had a few stories about her. She told me I need to write more about her.  We returned home and I put Aspen to bed and Kaybree and Eisley took over bedtime. Eisley donned a mask, hat an crown and put on a performance for Aspen, acting out one of the books on her shelf. Kaybree eventually joined in. While Eisley read, Kaybree did what looked like an interpretive dance to the story and Aspen laughed and laughed.  Halfway through the story she tu...

Originally written 3/2/26 Marriage is so strange. You marry someone because they make you better. You discover a new version of yourself when you’re with them and it makes you excited. It makes you happy. (At least it should!) And then a few years down the road, for some reason, they suddenly bring out the worst in you. Maybe they don’t bring it out, but it’s what they are forced to endure. And you have to take a step back and think Why? What has this person done to deserve my worst?  And it’s probably nothing. Maybe they didn’t have time to help with the chore you wanted to get done. Maybe they got the wrong kind of milk at the grocery store. Maybe they were too tired to make dinner.  Brendon and I went away for our anniversary this year. We spent just two days in Prescott. We spent the drive up asking deep, reflective questions and talking no without interruptions. We ate delicious food and we spent hours quietly reading a book together. And I was reminded of the version of ...