A Place to Write

We found out the gender of the baby today! It's our third girl! She's growing right on schedule, happy and healthy. And J does not care. He doesn't want to see ultrasound pictures. He doesn't want to be surprised by the gender. He doesn't want to be involved with this kid at all. And from his reaction I have a sneaking suspicion this baby is the reason for his sudden desire to leave. Until this baby came along he was fine staying for forever. Now he wants very little to do with me. And I'm offended. Because I think he would love this baby. Maybe that's what he's afraid of.

The hardest part of foster care has not been the medical appointments, the overwhelmed system, the biological family, or even the teenage angst. The hardest part for me, has been witnessing a child who has lost all hope that the world is good and happy and knowing there is very little I can do to change that perception. We had a lesson in Young Women's yesterday about the family. We read the Family Proclamation and we were asked why the family was important. I think I did a terrible job of sharing my response because I could hardly breath through my ugly cry (serious pregnancy issues) but it really hit me how important our families are and the damage that is caused when families are not cherished. We are placed in families because we need each other. We learn from each other. When I'm at my wits end, I need Brendon to step in and save the day. Otherwise my anger may boil over and my kids may experience a side of me I never want them to see. When I can't make a decision,...

"I want to do independent living." I think at one time if I had hear those words from J I would have cried but when it actually came I just feel... peace. I know J doesn't feel like he belongs here and I hate for him to waste his time in a family when that's not what he wants. I'm excited for him to grow up a little and go out on his own. His ideal situation would be to get an apartment of his own, possibly with a roommate, and take advantage of the subsidy the state provides and manage his own budget. He's still too young for that to happen but his social worker presented the idea of Tumbleweed Youth Center to him today. It's basically a large group home. The youth there follow the same rules as a group home but they live in apartments. So he would probably have a roommate, each would have their own room in a two bedroom apartment and they'd have shared living space. Meals are provided but he'd have to find his own transportation to school or ...

It's been so long since I've felt a deep desire to write. I'm not sure where to begin. I'm about 15 weeks pregnant now. Next week I'll find out the gender and I'll rush home and bake a cake so I can surprise the kids. When we told J we were pregnant again he was not happy. It was difficult for him to express why he wasn't happy. At first it was because he didn't like to see people fail at things (assuming we'd probably have another miscarriage and get hurt again) and then it was something only a foster child could understand (being replaced). Eventually it seemed OK. Then we went through a rough patch for a few weeks. It seemed like everything I said he would react to. Even hello was met with annoyance. He was overly rude to me. We've talked about it and we've discussed the reasoning behind it, the being pushed away--but it hasn't stopped. There's just this awkward space between him and me. He's not purposely trying to be rude...

"I'm finally a first grader," you say as if you've been waiting for this time to come forever. You're not actually a first grader but you did graduate from kindergarten so I guess it depends on perspective. You've said this to anyone and everyone who strikes up a conversation with you over the past few weeks and you've said it to me more than once. I think you're finally feeling like a big girl and this is proof--you're finally a first grader. I'm convinced the only reason kindergarten graduation is held is to give parents a chance to cry. Me and Dad were both there as you sang "Here comes the Sun" and walked across the stage to grab your "diploma." You were so excited. Each student drew self portraits which were printed on t-shirts for the ceremony. I think yours is the best in your class. Definitely the most personality! And your teacher, Mrs. Hunsaker, says you are the sweetest student she has ever had. A few days af...

We traveled to Salt Lake this week to participate in Brendon's orientation for his new job as a full time seminary teacher and as I look back over the past two days I feel like the best way to describe it is uplifting. No other job compares to this one. No other company will tell you you will change lives and you will prepare a generation for achieving eternal happiness. No other company will tell you exactly how to be worthy of that charge. There is a lot of pressure with this new position. We, as a couple, are encouraged to be ambassadors of the Lord. We are encouraged to be examples of an exemplary marriage and a Christ-centered home. We are encouraged to be lifelong learners and to respectfully accept criticism. We are asked to love the unlovable. For the next two years Brendon will teach full time while also completing some projects, meeting regularly with a mentor, and continually being observed. At the end of the two years he'll be encouraged to get a Masters degre...

I'm crying in my work parking lot. And the image I have in my head is of you laughing at me. Laughing for caring. Laughing at my sensitivity. Laughing at my beliefs. Because I believe in kindness. I believe in treating others the way I would like to be treated. Always. I don't steal. I don't use words that are offensive to others. I don't put myself in any situation that could possibly cause harm to another human. I've never been in a situation where I felt like in order to survive, I had to hurt someone else. You have. And so now your mind is tainted. The urge to steal is always present. Doing whatever you need to do to be comfortable is what is most important. And that breaks my heart. Because I believe you are good and it feels like through that conversation you are doing all you can to convince me otherwise. You cannot see the good in the world. While on the surface I'm hurt because you LITERALLY laughed and said "don't put your beliefs on me...