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Some space

It's been so long since I've felt a deep desire to write. I'm not sure where to begin. I'm about 15 weeks pregnant now. Next week I'll find out the gender and I'll rush home and bake a cake so I can surprise the kids.

When we told J we were pregnant again he was not happy. It was difficult for him to express why he wasn't happy. At first it was because he didn't like to see people fail at things (assuming we'd probably have another miscarriage and get hurt again) and then it was something only a foster child could understand (being replaced). Eventually it seemed OK. Then we went through a rough patch for a few weeks.

It seemed like everything I said he would react to. Even hello was met with annoyance. He was overly rude to me. We've talked about it and we've discussed the reasoning behind it, the being pushed away--but it hasn't stopped. There's just this awkward space between him and me. He's not purposely trying to be rude or create this space but it's just there. I'm not sure how to let it go.

The good news is his relationship with Brendon has improved by leaps and bounds. They can talk through just about anything these days. I love that.

I'm not sure if J is avoiding the awkwardness or just being a teenager but he's hardly ever home and when he is home he's locked in his room so we don't see him. We sent him away to summer camp last week. He didn't hug me goodbye or hello when we picked him up. He was gone for an entire week.

He had an amazing time at the camp and I am thrilled. I expected to feel some relief when I dropped him off. I know where he is, he's safe, he's cared for, and he's not going anywhere. I didn't have to worry about him for a full week. But I just felt sad. I think because I knew by the way he said goodbye he wouldn't miss us at all. And that hurts. Sometimes it feels like it could be over in an instant and none of it would have ever mattered. I know that's a common foster parenting struggle. You have to have this blind hope that what you're doing is worth something. Cause the reward is not happening now. Maybe we'll see it in 10 years. Maybe.

I stress because 18 is coming way too quickly and I want so badly for him to feel like he belongs before then. Belongs anywhere. If not with us, then somewhere. At a job. At school. In a good group of friends. Somewhere he can feel confident in himself and at the same time add value to the world. I feel like he could add value to our family if he wanted to but sometimes I feel like he's wasting his time because he doesn't want to be a part of our family. I'm OK with that choice but my heart aches for him.

While he was away at camp we took the girls to St. George. The weather was hot but the scenery was beautiful and 3 days flew by way too quickly. We stopped at the Grand Canyon on our way there and saw buffalo. When we were there we went to a Pioneer Day parade, the children's museum, Quail Creek Lake, Cedar City's Park Discovery, and of course the splash pad. We ate ice cream multiple ties a day. We tried fishing one evening but could only get one pole to work and then our bait kept falling off. We used cheese. I caught something but no one else did.

It was a good trip. As usual we talked about all the things we could do if we moved there someday. We always talk about moving but the reality is I don't know what we'd do if we didn't have so much family around to watch our kids and keep us sane. We are so blessed to belong.

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