Every time I log onto my blog I get a little bit sad. I look at the last date I posted and realize how much has changed since then. Life is changing so quickly right now.
Aspen is 5 months old now and just recently started sleeping through the night. (I know--I just jinxed that.) Kaybree is now 7 and watching her ride a bike with no training wheels or jump into a pool with no floaty or pick up a chapter book with no hesitation is the craziest thing. Eisley will be in kindergarten in August. In 4 months J will be 18 and I have no idea what to expect for him after that.
For any other kid 18 is no big deal. I hope and pray it's no big deal for J as well. I hope and pray that turning 18 is a happy birthday and we continue moving forward but the truth is it's not that simple. He'll suddenly have all this pressure. If he fails his classes or decides to drop out, he risks his subsidy from the state and his home with us.
That sounds harsh. The truth is it would be up to us. We could keep him in our home even if he's not following a case plan or working toward a goal. He's 18, he can do what he wants and we can do what we want with him. But we can't.
J makes some bad decisions. He made the decision to blow off school for the past two years. He makes the decision to blow off work as well. He makes the decision to sit at home and eat 23 otter pops in one sitting rather than going out and finding a second job, cleaning his room or doing anything remotely productive. (True story.) And we can't sit by and enable that. If he makes the decision to blow off school again we have to let him live with the full consequences of that decision--even if it means having him leave our home with no place to go.
That reality is HARSH. It's soul crushing. I know J is scrappy. He's also manipulative (according to the psychiatrist we had an appointment with yesterday). I know he will find a way to survive. He will find a couch to sleep on at a friend's house. Or maybe a comfortable park bench. But what does that say about us that we would allow him to do that rather than have him continue to live with us?
I know from the outside it may look like we don't care. It may look like we were in it for the money. It may look like we have given up. It feels like that even to myself.
I know, logically, that is not the truth. The truth is we have given all we can. I have poured my heart out and cried and prayed and set up every opportunity I can think of to give him a different path. I've researched schools, I've signed him up for programs, I've written down lists and budgets and presented every possible idea to him directly. I have tried EVERYTHING. Except letting him survive in his own way. Because his survival looks like failure to me and I do not want him to fail.
This is premature. School starts in August and he may be determined. Everything may be different from what we've seen the past two years. He may pass his classes without any problems. He may take extra classes online to graduate in two years. He may recognize the times when he isn't treating people with respect. He may transfer to EVIT and begin a trade school program and he may graduate with a job lined up and waiting for him making more money than myself or Brendon. That's the goal. That's the dream. That's the plan. Now I just need the faith.
Aspen is 5 months old now and just recently started sleeping through the night. (I know--I just jinxed that.) Kaybree is now 7 and watching her ride a bike with no training wheels or jump into a pool with no floaty or pick up a chapter book with no hesitation is the craziest thing. Eisley will be in kindergarten in August. In 4 months J will be 18 and I have no idea what to expect for him after that.
For any other kid 18 is no big deal. I hope and pray it's no big deal for J as well. I hope and pray that turning 18 is a happy birthday and we continue moving forward but the truth is it's not that simple. He'll suddenly have all this pressure. If he fails his classes or decides to drop out, he risks his subsidy from the state and his home with us.
That sounds harsh. The truth is it would be up to us. We could keep him in our home even if he's not following a case plan or working toward a goal. He's 18, he can do what he wants and we can do what we want with him. But we can't.
J makes some bad decisions. He made the decision to blow off school for the past two years. He makes the decision to blow off work as well. He makes the decision to sit at home and eat 23 otter pops in one sitting rather than going out and finding a second job, cleaning his room or doing anything remotely productive. (True story.) And we can't sit by and enable that. If he makes the decision to blow off school again we have to let him live with the full consequences of that decision--even if it means having him leave our home with no place to go.
That reality is HARSH. It's soul crushing. I know J is scrappy. He's also manipulative (according to the psychiatrist we had an appointment with yesterday). I know he will find a way to survive. He will find a couch to sleep on at a friend's house. Or maybe a comfortable park bench. But what does that say about us that we would allow him to do that rather than have him continue to live with us?
I know from the outside it may look like we don't care. It may look like we were in it for the money. It may look like we have given up. It feels like that even to myself.
I know, logically, that is not the truth. The truth is we have given all we can. I have poured my heart out and cried and prayed and set up every opportunity I can think of to give him a different path. I've researched schools, I've signed him up for programs, I've written down lists and budgets and presented every possible idea to him directly. I have tried EVERYTHING. Except letting him survive in his own way. Because his survival looks like failure to me and I do not want him to fail.
This is premature. School starts in August and he may be determined. Everything may be different from what we've seen the past two years. He may pass his classes without any problems. He may take extra classes online to graduate in two years. He may recognize the times when he isn't treating people with respect. He may transfer to EVIT and begin a trade school program and he may graduate with a job lined up and waiting for him making more money than myself or Brendon. That's the goal. That's the dream. That's the plan. Now I just need the faith.
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