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I feel like walking away

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This was originally written 8/16/17:

Life just got so complicated. We were happy, we were really starting to get settled and we were really clicking and now I feel like I don't matter. Like I'm replaceable as a mother. Like my feelings don't count.

I guess this is how every foster parent feels when their baby is taken from them. No, J has not been taken but his mom has suggested several family members she'd like to see Jose placed with. I think in his mind he's not leaving us but I know in my heart that if he had the choice, he would. That hurts. It makes all the sense in the world, but it hurts.

He has decided to call me Mother and call her Mom. I don't know why, but that hurts.

He's been more distant since he found his family. He's busy talking to them in the evening, so he doesn't need me. It makes sense, but it hurts.

I don't have any control over if or when he'll meet her or any of her family members. It's up to DCS. He's mad at me for allowing them to get involved and making him wait a few extra weeks. It makes sense, but it hurts.

His sister did not tell her mom that she found her biological family. I just had that conversation with her. J is going to be furious with me for talking to her. I hate that. It makes sense, but it hurts.

Her mom cried on the phone. She's scared for her family. She doesn't know what's going on with her daughter. It makes sense, and it hurts.

J does not see the hurt others are feeling right now. He only sees the pain he has felt for the last 10 years living in the dark. It makes sense, but it hurts.


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