Skip to main content

Birthdays

By
Sweet 16 is supposed to be a magical time. For me it was when I could officially begin dating and driving on my own. I applied for jobs right away to earn some extra cash. It was an exciting day. A birthday I looked forward to.

For many kids in foster care their birthday is just another day. They often don't get gifts meant just for them--because no one really knows them. They might get a gift card and a cake. They don't get to see their family or hold a big party with their friends. It's another painful reminder of the past.

I didn't want it to be like that for J but nothing can change the fact that it has never been a positive day for him. He wanted to avoid it. So I wrote him a note:



Dear J,

October ___ is the 7-month anniversary of you coming to live with us. (There may be something else going on that day but we won’t talk about that) I would like to celebrate. I understand you may not want to celebrate so I thought I would give you some options for the day. Please circle what you would like to do and return this to me ASAP so we can plan accordingly.

From 5 a.m. to 1:30 p.m.:

A.      Wake up and go to school as usual.

B.      Sleep in and skip school. Wake up and open presents. Go to lunch at Golden Corral with Mom followed by a trip to the mall or Target for clothes shopping and Bump and Roll (play in giant, inflatable, hamster balls)

From 1:30 p.m. to 3:30 p.m.:

A.      Relax in your bedroom while Mom and Dad have an online interview for Dad’s job (sorry!)

B.      Hang out with your friends outside of the house.

From 3:30 to 5:30 p.m.:

A.      Watch crap on your phone and do nothing.

B.      Go out with Dad for a driving lesson.

From 5:30 p.m. to 9 p.m.:

A.      Sit in your room alone. Go to bed early.

B.      Invite 5-10 friends over to watch a movie or play games in the back yard with flavored sodas, popcorn, chips and any desserts Mom can come up with.

C.      Watch a movie of your choice with Mom, Dad and the girls.

D.      Play laser tag with Mom and Dad at Stratum.

E.       Go rock climbing at Phoenix Rock Gym with Mom and Dad.

F.        Go roller skating with Mom, Dad and the girls. (Maybe invite a few friends or Brittany, David and their kids if you want!)

From 9 to 9:30 p.m.:

A.      Sleep.

B.      Watch something on your phone.

C.      Take a bath in Mom and Dad’s big tub.

For dinner would you like:

A.      Pizza

B.      Wings

C.      Meatloaf

D.      Orange chicken (Panda Express)

E.       Quesadilla

For dessert would you like:

A.      Chocolate cake

B.      Vanilla cake

C.      Strawberry cake

D.      Cheesecake

E.       Carrot cake

F.       Other dessert: _______________________________

G.      Nothing

Originally when he read it he chose all the fun things and seemed pretty excited. Later, as he thought about his options, he chose to go to school and to theater practice and got home around 5:30. We ate pizza and went roller skating with two of his friends who, on the ride there, exchanged stories about the girls they knew who had made mistakes recently and the guys they were no longer friends with because of how they treated women. When we got home they had a nerf gun fight in the front yard until 9 p.m. when one of his friend's mom wanted him home. 
 These simple interactions always make me think back to common misconceptions people have about teens in foster care. That they're going to be trouble. They are probably going to do drugs and sleep around and generally make bad choices. That has not been our experience. This boy is thoughtful. He's funny. Despite his vast knowledge of the crap in the world he is still so innocent. He's trying hard to make good choices. He's true to himself. And now, he's 16!

As for my birthday I was pleasantly surprised. Brittany asked to have the girls sleep over Friday night. I said sure. She does this sometimes so I didn't suspect anything. I should have. Brendon woke J and I up at 3:45, told us to pack some clothes, eat some breakfast and get in the car. When I came downstairs Lexis was in our kitchen. 
Brendon drove us all the way to California to go to Six Flags--my favorite! The crowds there were nuts. We didn't get to ride every ride we wanted to. We learned J is not a fan of heights. But all in all I think it was a good trip. I enjoyed it and I can't wait to go back! Sunday night I told the story of the surprise to everyone at family dinner and Jonathan asked "So do you feel a lot of pressure to do something great for him in return?" Honestly I hadn't even thought of that. Now I do! Got to get planning... 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

My biggest challenge

By
I’m a writer by trade. I’ve always wanted to be a writer. I love to put my feelings into words. Yet, in the last month, I’ve been having a very difficult time vocalizing what’s happening in my life. It’s not because it’s been sad or difficult or anything like that. It’s mostly because there is someone new in my life who I care very deeply for who I feel this deep need to protect. I want to protect his identity, his story, his life. I don’t want to overstep any boundaries or crush any trust. I recognize the life he has lived has not been easy and so I tread lightly on this relationship we’ve built. But honestly—it’s a fantastic relationship. He’s an amazing kid. I’ve been asked to write a blog post for an organization that helps recruit foster parents about the first few weeks of being a foster parent. I’m having difficulty deciding what to write. I feel like anything I write about my case probably won’t apply to their case so it’s not very helpful. I keep writing drafts and then...
Post a Comment
Read more

Summer time

By
This summer is flying by! I've been taking Kaybree to the same sitter every day since 10 weeks old when I went back to work, Shaunelle Eyestone. You are their 5th kid. But with four kids of her own home all summer and a new baby coming along Shaunelle asked to go to part time this summer. Luckily we have awesome family near by willing to help me out and watch you girls! Grandma Bonnie has been taking you two days a week and says it's the best part of her week. She loves it! She's a substitute teacher during the school year so she has the summer off. She's so sweet to watch you both for free. It's also giving you a chance to get to know John better as Bonnie asks him to help out each day. He's learning more about babies and you're opening up to him more. It's sweet to see. Fridays Aunt Brittany takes the two of you for free. Her kids basically just spoil you both all day. They argue over whose turn it is to hold Eisley and Kaybree basically becomes th...
Post a Comment
Read more

Jumping to conclusions

By
I think we, as a society, are always prepared to jump to the worst conclusions about kids like J. That includes me.  We recently found out he accepted cigarettes from a friend. Knowing just that, we assumed he smoked them. He swears he didn't smoke them but asked for them so he could give them to another friend--to get him to stop smoking weed. As dumb as that sounds, I believe him. Now. But at first, and I think reasonably so, I didn't. We jumped to the conclusion that he was smoking. We got upset that it felt like he was hiding it from us. He has no idea why we would jump to that conclusion. He doesn't understand that he put himself in that situation. He doesn't understand why we would think he is smoking. He got mad at us for assuming the worst. We did the same thing several days earlier when it was getting late and he wasn't home and also wasn't answering his phone. I thought back to everything we had disagreed about. I feared he had run away. I feared h...
Post a Comment
Read more