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Birthdays

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Sweet 16 is supposed to be a magical time. For me it was when I could officially begin dating and driving on my own. I applied for jobs right away to earn some extra cash. It was an exciting day. A birthday I looked forward to.

For many kids in foster care their birthday is just another day. They often don't get gifts meant just for them--because no one really knows them. They might get a gift card and a cake. They don't get to see their family or hold a big party with their friends. It's another painful reminder of the past.

I didn't want it to be like that for J but nothing can change the fact that it has never been a positive day for him. He wanted to avoid it. So I wrote him a note:



Dear J,

October ___ is the 7-month anniversary of you coming to live with us. (There may be something else going on that day but we won’t talk about that) I would like to celebrate. I understand you may not want to celebrate so I thought I would give you some options for the day. Please circle what you would like to do and return this to me ASAP so we can plan accordingly.

From 5 a.m. to 1:30 p.m.:

A.      Wake up and go to school as usual.

B.      Sleep in and skip school. Wake up and open presents. Go to lunch at Golden Corral with Mom followed by a trip to the mall or Target for clothes shopping and Bump and Roll (play in giant, inflatable, hamster balls)

From 1:30 p.m. to 3:30 p.m.:

A.      Relax in your bedroom while Mom and Dad have an online interview for Dad’s job (sorry!)

B.      Hang out with your friends outside of the house.

From 3:30 to 5:30 p.m.:

A.      Watch crap on your phone and do nothing.

B.      Go out with Dad for a driving lesson.

From 5:30 p.m. to 9 p.m.:

A.      Sit in your room alone. Go to bed early.

B.      Invite 5-10 friends over to watch a movie or play games in the back yard with flavored sodas, popcorn, chips and any desserts Mom can come up with.

C.      Watch a movie of your choice with Mom, Dad and the girls.

D.      Play laser tag with Mom and Dad at Stratum.

E.       Go rock climbing at Phoenix Rock Gym with Mom and Dad.

F.        Go roller skating with Mom, Dad and the girls. (Maybe invite a few friends or Brittany, David and their kids if you want!)

From 9 to 9:30 p.m.:

A.      Sleep.

B.      Watch something on your phone.

C.      Take a bath in Mom and Dad’s big tub.

For dinner would you like:

A.      Pizza

B.      Wings

C.      Meatloaf

D.      Orange chicken (Panda Express)

E.       Quesadilla

For dessert would you like:

A.      Chocolate cake

B.      Vanilla cake

C.      Strawberry cake

D.      Cheesecake

E.       Carrot cake

F.       Other dessert: _______________________________

G.      Nothing

Originally when he read it he chose all the fun things and seemed pretty excited. Later, as he thought about his options, he chose to go to school and to theater practice and got home around 5:30. We ate pizza and went roller skating with two of his friends who, on the ride there, exchanged stories about the girls they knew who had made mistakes recently and the guys they were no longer friends with because of how they treated women. When we got home they had a nerf gun fight in the front yard until 9 p.m. when one of his friend's mom wanted him home. 
 These simple interactions always make me think back to common misconceptions people have about teens in foster care. That they're going to be trouble. They are probably going to do drugs and sleep around and generally make bad choices. That has not been our experience. This boy is thoughtful. He's funny. Despite his vast knowledge of the crap in the world he is still so innocent. He's trying hard to make good choices. He's true to himself. And now, he's 16!

As for my birthday I was pleasantly surprised. Brittany asked to have the girls sleep over Friday night. I said sure. She does this sometimes so I didn't suspect anything. I should have. Brendon woke J and I up at 3:45, told us to pack some clothes, eat some breakfast and get in the car. When I came downstairs Lexis was in our kitchen. 
Brendon drove us all the way to California to go to Six Flags--my favorite! The crowds there were nuts. We didn't get to ride every ride we wanted to. We learned J is not a fan of heights. But all in all I think it was a good trip. I enjoyed it and I can't wait to go back! Sunday night I told the story of the surprise to everyone at family dinner and Jonathan asked "So do you feel a lot of pressure to do something great for him in return?" Honestly I hadn't even thought of that. Now I do! Got to get planning... 

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