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Already overwhelming

He's going to have the best and I am going to be the one to give it to him!

I'm realizing now that's been my goal with this whole foster care thing. I feel like I'm chalk full of resources so I feel like I'll make an excellent foster parent. I'm needing help convincing myself that all those camps and programs and resources aren't really what J needs from me.

We met J last Monday. We went to dinner at Golden Corral--his favorite. We talked pretty casually. He didn't come off as shy or nervous at all. He did come off as very sweet and respectful. I feel like most kids who've been in the foster care system for a long time are extra respectful--because they are use to dealing with a lot of different adults and so they know the proper way to address any adult and they're cautious. They want to be liked.

We did like him. We were able to joke with him a little bit. He told us he likes figuring things out and solving technical issues. He's good with the tech on his phone and wants to be an engineer some day. He also loves the color purple and he likes anime shows. He likes to play sports but doesn't have any favorite teams to watch.

We met up with him again on Saturday and brought our girls with us. Eisley and Kaybree both acted shy at first but he tickled and teased them in the hour drive back to Mesa and by the time we got to Skateland (his idea) they were all good friends. He was patient as the girls learned to control their feet in skates. He's great on roller blades and showed us all up.

When we got to our neighborhood he said he recognized it. He use to live there--or not far from there, with his adoptive parents. (We were relieved to hear they've moved since then.) He also knew the area because his biological sister lives just a few streets away from us. We drove by her house and we all marveled at the coincidence. The visit was too short because we had other plans that day but we told him we'd see him again next weekend.

Then I hit a wall. On Friday I was told they won't ask a judge to sign off on his transfer to us (our physical custody) until we have a plan for spring break. I searched high and low and EVERYWHERE in between for somewhere for a teenager to go all day for spring break.

I located our local branch of Boys and Girls Club. Wouldn't work. I contacted a further but larger Boys and Girls Club--no dice. I contacted the YMCA--no programs for teens. I found a list of 20 spring break programs in the Valley and called every single number on the list--no. I contacted every place I could think of where teens might hang out and came up empty.

In what I thought was a miracle I found ONE spring break program that lasted from 9-5 every day inside a tech shop, run by a university, for ages 11-17 only and I was sold! I sent the link to his social worker and felt very proud of my big accomplishment. On Saturday J said the camp sounded really cool and of course he'd be happy to attend that. Then his social worker emailed me back.

We couldn't get a guarantee that J would be living with us by spring break so spending lots of $$$ on a camp he may or may not be able to attend is not a good idea. She suggested choosing something else. It's silly, I know, but I felt crushed. Not because I'd just poured all this research into something only to be shot down (that's frustrating too) but because I had this ideal in my head of giving J only the best and this was the first time I was told that would not be happening.

The only other options for J for spring break would be for him to stay in his group home and not be transferred till after the break or involve asking family members for help. We are so lucky to have so much family nearby and they've offered to help--but I'm really hesitant to accept any of it. Not because I think my family will do any damage or anything--they are wonderful, trustworthy people, but I feel this guilt again over not being able to do enough for him. My family didn't sign up to take in a teenager--I should be the one caring for him. Always.

But it's never been that way. We've always had help from our family to care for our girls and so while J is not a baby, he's still ours and part of treating him like ours is asking our family for help too.

The truth is J is very easy going and eager to please. I'm pretty sure he's experienced worse than the less-than-ideal plans I've been able to scrounge together. It may not be everything I dreamed of giving him, but what he wants most of all is a family. I'm not saying I shouldn't worry, I can give him crap and he'll take it--cause that's not happening, I'm just saying I need to cut myself a little bit of slack. We've got a lot to figure out but it will work out, one way or another.

Brendon asked me as I sat in tears last night if I still felt like we were supposed to do this. If J was a good fit for our family. I said yes. I still feel good about this. And there is nothing wrong with J. I'm just experiencing what it's like to hit those system barriers.

This morning his social worker told me if they file paperwork when they expect to it's unlikely he'll be living with us during spring break anyways. So don't stress...


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