A Place to Write

I'm the worst. The worst, worst, worst. I'll stay up at night worrying about if I packed the right lunch for kaybree or making lists in my head of everything I need to get for the luncheon after Aspen's blessing. I'll spend all day making the perfect bow to match her dress. And all I've done for our 10th Anniversary is think of what I could say in a sweetly worded text in the morning--and even that I failed to do because I'm so upset. I'm upset because you are the best and I am the worst. Because I woke up this morning, the morning of our 10th anniversary, and found a beautiful necklace and card in the bathroom waiting for me. And I have nothing for you. No gift. I always struggle because you're always telling me to stop spending money and even if I spent it, what can I spend it on? You have way too many ties to wear. I have no idea what shoes to get you. I always get you a shirt and you eventually hate them too. There's no jewelry I can get you. I...

It was midnight. I'd had contractions all day but it seemed any time I changed up what I was doing (going from standing to sitting or sitting to standing) there was a drawn out pause in contractions. None of them were strong enough to cause me any pain. And now it seemed like they were coming to a stop all together. I showered and then sat in the dark and cried for a while. Brendon begged me to come to bed and eventually I gave in. It didn't make sense. I've never had labor start and stop like that before. I'd been at 3 cm during my appointment earlier in the day and after stripping my membranes Dr. Holmes told me he felt like with 80% certainty I'd have a baby that day or the next. The next was approaching and there was still no baby. Around 2 a.m. I woke up to contractions again. They were still light and I lay there a while trying to decide "Do I sleep through this or do I get up and concentrate on it?" I decided to get up. I went downstairs and sat...

I think maybe I have too much confidence in my body and my ability to create life. I thought for sure we'd have no trouble getting pregnant--and then we had a miscarriage. Now I thought for sure Aspen would come when the doctor stripped my membranes but five days later here I am with no baby. I like to think I could have been more patient if I hadn't been teased with contractions on Thursday and Friday night. They've stopped since. Now I'm convinced she'll come Wednesday afternoon once I can get my membranes stripped again--but what I should be convinced of is I'm not in control and need to take a chill pill. We started the church's new Come Follow Me curriculum yesterday and Brendon and I couldn't help but laugh at the fact that the first lesson is all about God's timing and waiting for blessings. It was Matthew 1 and Luke 1. The stories of Elizabeth and Mary. The basic lesson is "You're not in control but with God, anything is possible...

I can't eat my lunch right now because I'm too worked up. So I have to write. I just got off the phone with J's teacher. His school is a block schedule so he only has two teachers/classes at a time. She expressed to me her concern because J is failing her class. He's been blowing off a big project when he had more than enough time to work on it. If he had turned it in, he'd be passing the class. He could still turn it in and pass the class--if he's motivated to do that. Beyond that he's rude and disrespectful and swears a lot and doesn't seem to care what others think of him. I know that's preached as a good thing to most kids but trust me--it's not. When a teacher asks you if you want to join the baseball team and your response is "No I don't want to do that. You bug me." there's a problem. When you show up to school with a comforter instead of a jacket even though you have jackets at home--there's a problem with that. ...

Yesterday Eisley started coughing and had a fever. It was obvious she was not feeling well. All night she whimpered in her sleep and slept with me for comfort. This morning I decided to let the girls sleep a little later so I could catch up on a little sleep too. Kaybree eventually woke up on her own and got dressed. When Eisley and I finally got up I left her watching TV in my room while I went to take a shower. I heard Kaybree come into the room and ask Eisley how she was feeling. When I came out of the bathroom my bed was empty but as I came down the stairs Eisley was tucked into some blankets on the couch, remote in hand, with Kaybree's pillow behind her head. Kaybree had taken her downstairs and got her settled in her favorite spot in front of the TV, with all the comfy blankets and pillows she could ask for. Kaybree, you are the sweetest little girl. Last night you had your first performance with Millenial Choirs and Orchestra. You were very brave going on stage and didn...

"So I've got a friend, who I met at Frys. He's an older guy. He's got a car he wants to give me and soon he's starting a business so when I'm 18 and a half or 19 I think I'm going to move out and move in with him and work for him." "Doing what?" "I don't really know but he's going to have this business." "OK. Well, good luck with that. Get it in writing and get a title for the car." I walked away just shaking my head. Silently I thought "At least he didn't tell me he's going to become a rapper. He might as well though... A couple hours later I talked with him again. "OK, so I've been texting him and finding out more about this job." "OK." "So he's going to be a rapper. And he says we'll find something for me to do, something I'm good at. Something that will make me $1,000 a day and I can probably start doing it from home--maybe finding new beats online....

I've heard about a million times I've given J too much freedom and he needs more structure. I always hate that. Because I can offer all the structure in the world but he's not a structured kid and I will drive myself crazy trying to make him be. Why he doesn't have designated homework time: He shouldn't have any homework. That's the way his school is set up.  And each day when I ask "How's school?" I get a "Good." or "Fantastic." or "Long." He doesn't tell me he didn't turn in his work today. He may not even realize he didn't turn it in. The school also has no rules around communication with parents. The school doesn't tell me anything. There's nowhere online I can go to look. Even in the past when there has been it's updated maybe once every few weeks. So I go along happily, knowing we did our part and dropped him off at school and I even pack him a lunch each day in hopes that he'll eat ...