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QTIP

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If you take any training about parenting teens the biggest advice you will hear is: QUIT TAKING IT PERSONALLY!

I know because I'm pretty sure I've been to every training on parenting teens currently being offered in the Phoenix area. There are not many. What you will not learn is how to do that.

How the heck am I supposed to react when I express my feelings to a child, who is mostly an adult, and then they do exactly what you just told them you were afraid they would do?

And why is it that I'm so personally offended when my teen will not take the advice and direction I've given? I'm not personally affected when he fails his classes but MAN it pisses me off! Because I TOLD him to bring home work. I TOLD him to stop skipping class. I TOLD him to turn off his phone. I TOLD him to get some sleep and eat breakfast. I TOLD him to take his meds.

But he didn't.

I know I'm not the only parent of a teen who has dealt with this. I know this can be typical teenage behavior. So how do other parents deal? How do you watch your child fail over and over again for the stupidest reasons and not react?

I like to think I might have been able to handle the self-sabotage if it weren't combined with this weekend's blatant disrespect. But I don't know.

J didn't come home this weekend--just one weekend after I told him it feels like he's avoiding us and pulling away from us. When he came home we didn't get an apology. We got blamed. Blamed that we didn't give him space when he needed it. So he didn't feel safe. So he left and as soon as he gets a chance to leave for good, he's taking it. He wanted to have "space" after the blow up. We wanted to discuss it and say sorry and offer forgiveness.

We did what we needed to do. We apologized and moved on. He did what he needed to do. Problem is he took his space without letting us know that's what he was doing and he took it days later--which makes it seem like it was just an excuse to stay out with his friends and not take responsibility for doing that.

I'm trying to move on like he has. I'm trying not to take it personally. But being placed with the blame is not fair. And I feel manipulated. I'm not sure we can ever get back to where we were. And now I feel no different from his adoptive parents. And I really don't like them.

There's an argument for moving forward. Maybe he'll stop self destructing. Maybe he has not seen unconditional love from us yet. Maybe there's still hope.

There's also an argument for giving up. There needs to be serious consequences for his actions. Even if he were obeying our rules he's not doing anything to grow up and mature and some day live on his own and he needs to learn to do that. And it hurts to be treated like a hotel.

Everyone has sympathy. No one has answers. Parenting sucks.

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