Before Kaybree was even born I began writing to her in a journal. I told her how excited we were to have her and how much she meant to me and how anxious I was to meet her. I did not do that for Eisley and now that she is here I can say... it's not gonna happen. But I'm a pretty good emailer to friends and I figured maybe if it's somewhere online I can jump on every once in a while and record some memories. Maybe someday I'll make it into a book for them. Who knows!
Grief is such a weird thing. Why does a death have to hurt even 16 years after it happened? Why does it hurt at all if it's such a part of life? And when it does hurt it just feels silly. I can't shut my life down every time it hits. Life doesn't work like that. It never has. Life has continued in the past 16 years. It's completely different now. It's a life she never experienced. It's a life she wasn't a part of (to no fault of her own!) So why does it still hurt? And when it does hurt why does it hit like a ton of bricks? Why can't I stop the tears from coming? How are you supposed to act when someone is grieving? I don't know, and that's why I hide it from my husband and kids. Because they can't understand. They never knew her. They don't know this grief. I don't want any pity. So I write because writing works. It helps to vent, even though no one will read it. I did dream of her last night. It was Michelle Day, the annual day ...
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