J didn't come home last night. I don't have any idea what is bothering him. We've had no disagreements or fights in the last few days but--he's gone.
Here's a little timeline:
- J texts me in the morning to say he doesn't feel well. I stayed home sick the day before so I tell him to take a sick day and sleep it off. No big deal.
- J texts me around 11 and says he's not being lazy today, he did do some schoolwork and he's going to clean a few things. I tell him not to worry about any of that, get some rest. There is homemade chicken noodle soup in the fridge if he wants some and theraflu in the cabinet. His responses seem in a good mood.
- 1:30ish I can see J on camera being goofy, singing loudly and doing a bunch of nothing. That's fine.
- 3 J texts me says he's a little pissed and is going out. Will be home before 7. I respond that I need more info than that. After a half hour I add that now I'm a little pissed.
The rule is if you stay home sick you stay home all day. You can't stay home from school and then go hang out with friends after. Also, if you're mad, stay home. Lock your bedroom door, blast your music. The only reason to leave is to get a hit of nicotine from a friend, which is J's response to stress. Nicotine is not going to help improve his health right now.
- 5 I get home and tell J he needs to come home. He responds and says he is on his way.
- 7 I ask J when I can expect him home.
- 8 J responds and says he's not coming home tonight. He's safe and he'll be at school in the morning but he's not coming home. Brendon texts him and tells him he is risking everything by not coming home. He does not come home.
From my perspective the message J is sending is:
You can't handle my emotions.
I don't trust you to support me when I feel upset.
Being in your home right now would make me feel even worse than I do.
What is happening in my life in this moment is more important than any future with your family.
I don't know what made J mad. I don't feel like it had anything to do with me. So why is he taking it out on me? I don't think it's intentional to "take it out on me" but I'm not sure what his goal is. Why can't you feel whatever you're feeling and still obey rules?
I text him later in the night and told him it's an important life skill to be angry/sad/frustrated without pushing away the people who care about your well-being. In fact, it's a sign of maturity to reach out to your support network when you need them. I tell him that and yet when I get to work and people ask how my night was my response is "Good!"
My night was not good. I'm not good. I'd love some support, the problem is I don't want to ask for help if there's no way for anyone to help me. I'm glad I have Brendon for support. I'm so glad we are doing this together. I'm so glad I'm not the only crazy one. I also reached out to Laurel. We'll need her support when we dish out the consequence for this choice.
I wish I could make him think about his future. I wish he would trust me to handle his bad moods. What more could I do to earn that trust?
Here's a little timeline:
- J texts me in the morning to say he doesn't feel well. I stayed home sick the day before so I tell him to take a sick day and sleep it off. No big deal.
- J texts me around 11 and says he's not being lazy today, he did do some schoolwork and he's going to clean a few things. I tell him not to worry about any of that, get some rest. There is homemade chicken noodle soup in the fridge if he wants some and theraflu in the cabinet. His responses seem in a good mood.
- 1:30ish I can see J on camera being goofy, singing loudly and doing a bunch of nothing. That's fine.
- 3 J texts me says he's a little pissed and is going out. Will be home before 7. I respond that I need more info than that. After a half hour I add that now I'm a little pissed.
The rule is if you stay home sick you stay home all day. You can't stay home from school and then go hang out with friends after. Also, if you're mad, stay home. Lock your bedroom door, blast your music. The only reason to leave is to get a hit of nicotine from a friend, which is J's response to stress. Nicotine is not going to help improve his health right now.
- 5 I get home and tell J he needs to come home. He responds and says he is on his way.
- 7 I ask J when I can expect him home.
- 8 J responds and says he's not coming home tonight. He's safe and he'll be at school in the morning but he's not coming home. Brendon texts him and tells him he is risking everything by not coming home. He does not come home.
From my perspective the message J is sending is:
You can't handle my emotions.
I don't trust you to support me when I feel upset.
Being in your home right now would make me feel even worse than I do.
What is happening in my life in this moment is more important than any future with your family.
I don't know what made J mad. I don't feel like it had anything to do with me. So why is he taking it out on me? I don't think it's intentional to "take it out on me" but I'm not sure what his goal is. Why can't you feel whatever you're feeling and still obey rules?
I text him later in the night and told him it's an important life skill to be angry/sad/frustrated without pushing away the people who care about your well-being. In fact, it's a sign of maturity to reach out to your support network when you need them. I tell him that and yet when I get to work and people ask how my night was my response is "Good!"
My night was not good. I'm not good. I'd love some support, the problem is I don't want to ask for help if there's no way for anyone to help me. I'm glad I have Brendon for support. I'm so glad we are doing this together. I'm so glad I'm not the only crazy one. I also reached out to Laurel. We'll need her support when we dish out the consequence for this choice.
I wish I could make him think about his future. I wish he would trust me to handle his bad moods. What more could I do to earn that trust?
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