A Place to Write

So I have never written on this blog before, but I feel like I should start doing so. Girls, I don't know if you will ever read any of this, but I hope you do, so that you can see how much your mother and I love you. Mom always talks about you, so I am going to talk about her today and I hope you use the advice I am about to give you to help you know how to be a great mother and wife. This past week, mom and I decided to start carpooling together. We realized that we work pretty close to each other and we were wasting gas by driving separately, so why not cut our gas bill in half and drive together?! It has only been 3 days, but it has been such a great 3 days so far. I am working an hour longer each day than I should be, but it has been so worth it. The reason it is, is because we get to talk to each other. I love talking to your mom. She is filled with wonderful ideas and thoughts. She is passionate, loving, kind and gracious. All these amazing attributes come out even more whe...

This was originally written 8/16/17: Life just got so complicated. We were happy, we were really starting to get settled and we were really clicking and now I feel like I don't matter. Like I'm replaceable as a mother. Like my feelings don't count. I guess this is how every foster parent feels when their baby is taken from them. No, J has not been taken but his mom has suggested several family members she'd like to see Jose placed with. I think in his mind he's not leaving us but I know in my heart that if he had the choice, he would. That hurts. It makes all the sense in the world, but it hurts. He has decided to call me Mother and call her Mom. I don't know why, but that hurts. He's been more distant since he found his family. He's busy talking to them in the evening, so he doesn't need me. It makes sense, but it hurts. I don't have any control over if or when he'll meet her or any of her family members. It's up to DCS. He...

This was originally written 8/15/17: J walked outside and called his mom last night. His real mom. The mom who brought him to this earth. The mom he has been dying to speak to for 10 years. That mom. She was anxious to talk to him too. She didn't even know he no longer lives with his grandparents. She hunted him down there when she was released from jail but DCS wouldn't give her any information on his whereabouts. They talked for hours last night. I admit, I did my best to eavesdrop. Their conversation was mostly sharing pictures and memories and her exclaiming her joy over and over. If I just had me to worry about I would have packed him up in the car last night and driven to see her--but it's not that simple. DCS still has a hold on his life. They have to check and double check that everything in this situation is going to be safe. They have a process to go through. I have no idea what that process is. Someone is going to call me this afternoon to give me more in...

Every time I log onto my blog I get a little bit sad. I look at the last date I posted and realize how much has changed since then. Life is changing so quickly right now. Aspen is 5 months old now and just recently started sleeping through the night. (I know--I just jinxed that.) Kaybree is now 7 and watching her ride a bike with no training wheels or jump into a pool with no floaty or pick up a chapter book with no hesitation is the craziest thing. Eisley will be in kindergarten in August. In 4 months J will be 18 and I have no idea what to expect for him after that. For any other kid 18 is no big deal. I hope and pray it's no big deal for J as well. I hope and pray that turning 18 is a happy birthday and we continue moving forward but the truth is it's not that simple. He'll suddenly have all this pressure. If he fails his classes or decides to drop out, he risks his subsidy from the state and his home with us. That sounds harsh. The truth is it would be up to us. W...

I haven't been good at taking photos recently. I've decided it's more important to be in the moment than capturing the moment for everyone else. I do take photos at home, during sweet and quiet moments but I don't take many when we are out doing things. One less thing to worry about. But now I have no photos of my birthday girl on her birthday. Oops. Kaybree turned seven on Saturday. Just like that you're a big girl. You love swimming (even going down big water slides) riding horses, taking care of Aspen, reading, riding a bike without training wheels and being in charge. You act shy sometimes but on your birthday you wrote "Happy birthday, Kaybree" on the chalk board at Red Robin so everyone would know and you pretended to be embarrassed when the staff sang to you. We started the day off trying out the new Crayola Experience at Chandler mall. You like coloring and crafts and you chose that over a new bike. When we got home you went to lunch with Gra...