A Place to Write

It's the middle of the night and I can't sleep. I keep thinking of everything I want to say to you but can't. If there's anything I've learned it's my pain doesn't matter. My rejection doesn't matter. Because you're the one in pain. You're the one with trauma. I just have to remember that. Anything you do to me can't hurt me. I can't be offended. But why won't you go on vacation with us? Why won't you come home for dinner? Why won't you come out of your room? Why won't you freaking hug me sometimes? Just a few days ago I sat and reminded brendon that what we are doing is a good thing and we can't give up. But tonight the rejection is hitting me hard. It hurts. You don't mean to hurt or offend. You're just taking care of you. And because of your trauma, I have to accept that. So I'll just sit here and cry for a while. I'll let my heart break while you do you. I'll play the part of landlord when wh...

As I walked into work this morning I noticed something strange. My stomach was in my line of vision as I walked. That doesn't happen usually. So I thought I must be walking strange. But no, my stomach is actually that big. I remember with Kaybree I got swollen. I couldn't wear my wedding ring. I had constant cancles instead of ankles. I see pictures and think "Ugh, even my face was gross." So puffy. I was relieved when it went away quickly. I don't remember at what stage it all started happening though. I just remember that it did. With Eisley I was much less swollen. I didn't get the swelling in my legs. I eventually had to resort to the fake wedding ring instead of my real one but it was much later on. I took Kaybree to a free photo session one weekend and it ended up being Mommy and me photos since she refused to smile on her own. I actually look cute in the photos. Super pregnant, but cute. The kind of pregnant you might miss if you saw me from behind....

This pregnancy feels different. It feels like it's happening faster. Maybe because I know what's coming at each step and it's a thrill to feel it happening. I have never not been excited about a pregnancy but maybe I've just forgotten that. I'm excited. I'm excited about every kick. About the swell in my belly (though I would not be opposed if that moved a little slower) I'm excited about the thought of labor and delivery and maternity leave and nursing. And I have so many people excited with me. Not just adults this time but my girls too. They can't wait for Avery Lou. We've decided to name her that, even though I'm not 100% in love with it. I can't imagine anything more fitting at this moment so Avery Lou it is. Both the girls are thrilled. They love knowing I have a baby in me and Eisley seems especially curious about how it all works. In other news, Kaybree lost her first tooth today. She pulled it out all by herself while eating...

I'm stuck with this constant decision: Give a punishment even though I know it won't work or ignore the problem completely even though I know the result will not be good. It's always about school. For whatever reason you seem to give up when it comes to school. When asked, you are fully committed. But when a challenge comes up, like a teacher you don't quite connect with, you give up. You decide to sleep instead of work. You know it's a mistake. You know you have already failed enough classes to require you to take an additional year of high school (at least). And yet, any time I offer assistance you act like I have no trust in you and you push me away. I don't have any trust when it comes to your school work. You haven't earned it. But I still have hope. I believe you have the capacity. I believe if you apply yourself you could go far. But you don't. And I can't make you. Yesterday you were sent home from school for sleeping in class and giving a...