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The unknown

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"Do you see that?" Dr. Holmes pointed to a tiny white spot on the ultrasound screen. If he moved the machine just so you could see that tiny spot flicker. It was a miracle.

A miracle because just a moment earlier we had been talking about my options for miscarriage. Let it happen naturally, or get what's called a D and C. And then Dr. Holmes changed his mind.

I started spotting the night before Valentine's Day. So as you can imagine, our Valentines was full of magic this year. If you enjoy continuously calling the doctor and crying uncontrollably, that is. He couldn't get me in but sent me to get my blood drawn. I was told two days later they'd check the blood again and see if it had changed the way it was supposed to.

It didn't. I got the call from Dr. Holmes on Saturday. My level should have reached 12,000 but it was only at 8500. Not a crystal clear miscarriage--but it was likely. So we went in for an ultrasound.

The traditional ultrasound on the stomach found no heart beat. We were 95% sure it was a miscarriage. Just to be sure, we did a vaginal ultrasound.

The baby should be 7 weeks. It's only measuring 6. The results seemed pretty clear. And then that little heart beat.

He also noticed the yolk sac looked slightly large. This can be a sign of chromosome issues. He didn't elaborate.

After almost a week of questions we left feeling like we had no more answers. He told me to call the office Tuesday and they'd try to squeeze me in on Wednesday for another ultrasound.

I cried a lot this week. I was certain it was a miscarriage. It still could be.

Brendon gave me a blessing Tuesday night but it was stilted and weird. He told me afterward that every time he tried to bless the baby he was not permitted. That scares me most.

Among all the heart brake there is some gratitude. My girls, when they saw how scared I am, have done all they can to raise my spirits. Brendon has proven once again what a miracle of a man he is. He is dedicated to supporting me in any way he can.

No matter what happens, I am blessed. But I am scared of the unknown.

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