Skip to main content

The unknown

By

"Do you see that?" Dr. Holmes pointed to a tiny white spot on the ultrasound screen. If he moved the machine just so you could see that tiny spot flicker. It was a miracle.

A miracle because just a moment earlier we had been talking about my options for miscarriage. Let it happen naturally, or get what's called a D and C. And then Dr. Holmes changed his mind.

I started spotting the night before Valentine's Day. So as you can imagine, our Valentines was full of magic this year. If you enjoy continuously calling the doctor and crying uncontrollably, that is. He couldn't get me in but sent me to get my blood drawn. I was told two days later they'd check the blood again and see if it had changed the way it was supposed to.

It didn't. I got the call from Dr. Holmes on Saturday. My level should have reached 12,000 but it was only at 8500. Not a crystal clear miscarriage--but it was likely. So we went in for an ultrasound.

The traditional ultrasound on the stomach found no heart beat. We were 95% sure it was a miscarriage. Just to be sure, we did a vaginal ultrasound.

The baby should be 7 weeks. It's only measuring 6. The results seemed pretty clear. And then that little heart beat.

He also noticed the yolk sac looked slightly large. This can be a sign of chromosome issues. He didn't elaborate.

After almost a week of questions we left feeling like we had no more answers. He told me to call the office Tuesday and they'd try to squeeze me in on Wednesday for another ultrasound.

I cried a lot this week. I was certain it was a miscarriage. It still could be.

Brendon gave me a blessing Tuesday night but it was stilted and weird. He told me afterward that every time he tried to bless the baby he was not permitted. That scares me most.

Among all the heart brake there is some gratitude. My girls, when they saw how scared I am, have done all they can to raise my spirits. Brendon has proven once again what a miracle of a man he is. He is dedicated to supporting me in any way he can.

No matter what happens, I am blessed. But I am scared of the unknown.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

My biggest challenge

By
I’m a writer by trade. I’ve always wanted to be a writer. I love to put my feelings into words. Yet, in the last month, I’ve been having a very difficult time vocalizing what’s happening in my life. It’s not because it’s been sad or difficult or anything like that. It’s mostly because there is someone new in my life who I care very deeply for who I feel this deep need to protect. I want to protect his identity, his story, his life. I don’t want to overstep any boundaries or crush any trust. I recognize the life he has lived has not been easy and so I tread lightly on this relationship we’ve built. But honestly—it’s a fantastic relationship. He’s an amazing kid. I’ve been asked to write a blog post for an organization that helps recruit foster parents about the first few weeks of being a foster parent. I’m having difficulty deciding what to write. I feel like anything I write about my case probably won’t apply to their case so it’s not very helpful. I keep writing drafts and then...
Post a Comment
Read more

8

By
Kaybree is 8! Why does time go by so quickly? Even Kaybree thinks it went by too fast. Kaybree, you are amazing. You are a natural caretaker to your sisters. They don't always appreciate it but I do. You know just what to do to make Aspen laugh and you have no problem carrying her around. You never complain when she steals your snacks or makes a mess of whatever you were playing with. Just this morning I was sitting outside with Aspen and you came out with a piece of fruit leather you were eating for breakfast. As soon as Aspen saw you she got a huge grin and reached her hand out for your food and without a word, you gave it to her. You love dressing up and doing your hair. You've been letting it grow out for almost a year now and it's half way down your back, bright blonde and carefully brushed every day by you. Your room is spotless 90% of the time, with the exception of when you let Eisley or Aspen play in there and then you stay up all night cleaning it. You a...
Post a Comment
Read more

Careers

By
"So I've got a friend, who I met at Frys. He's an older guy. He's got a car he wants to give me and soon he's starting a business so when I'm 18 and a half or 19 I think I'm going to move out and move in with him and work for him." "Doing what?" "I don't really know but he's going to have this business." "OK. Well, good luck with that. Get it in writing and get a title for the car." I walked away just shaking my head. Silently I thought "At least he didn't tell me he's going to become a rapper. He might as well though... A couple hours later I talked with him again. "OK, so I've been texting him and finding out more about this job." "OK." "So he's going to be a rapper. And he says we'll find something for me to do, something I'm good at. Something that will make me $1,000 a day and I can probably start doing it from home--maybe finding new beats online....
Post a Comment
Read more