Structure

“Shouldn’t they be going home?” she asked as a loud noise thumped through the house from J’s bedroom.Three teenagers were wrestling. Loudly.

I shrugged. “Why? It’s not their bedtime.”

“Because it’s good for kids to have structure and it’s a school night.”

The conversation wasn’t mean. It was said in a joking tone but boy was it laced with judgement. And it got to me. It was 8 p.m. on a Wednesday and yes, my home was full of very rowdy, very loud teenage boys. But they were having fun and I knew exactly where they were and what they were doing and they weren’t hurting anyone. Seemed good enough for me!

I’m feeling and hearing it often lately. I need to apply more “structure” to J’s life. I just think my idea of structure is different. I feel like what they really mean is “expectations.” Because J has structure. He has two parents. He has a home and food. He wakes up, he goes to school, he comes home or he hangs out with his friends. Either way he knows he has to let me know by 5 p.m. where he is at. He knows our schedule for the most part and he knows every Sunday evening he’s going to family dinner whether he likes it or not. He knows at home there is no swearing, no rated ‘R’ movies or shows, and no girls when there are not adults present. 

To me, all of those things are structure. Since his grades have not been good we’ve also applied a homework rule. He was coming home at 8 p.m. to do homework, when the girls were in bed and I could be available. Now we’ve asked him to come straight home from school and get to work. He agrees. He knows who is in charge and he respects the rules we set up. Seems like structure to me.

No, I don’t ground him. In fact, I let him have as much time with friends as is reasonable. To some, that looks like a non-stop party. To me, it looks like building a relationship, not just with J but also with his friends. When they are in my home I know exactly what they are up to and it’s not sex or drugs. I want them all to know they can feel comfortable in my home. They can talk to me. Maybe, just maybe, some of my version of normal and happy will rub off on them. Maybe if I accept J’s friends he’ll feel like I accept him too. 

What I don’t do is set high expectations. I don’t expect him to keep his room spotless always or have straight A’s or be home when the sun goes down and quietly in bed by 9 p.m. I don’t expect him to go to every family function for a family he’s still adjusting to (especially when I myself have complained about a function or two…) or instantly insert himself into the family either with hugs and kisses and everything else.

I could be more of a stickler about keeping the house clean and doing more school work, yes. I’m working on it. I’m learning to define exactly what my expectations are and discussing those with J so we can come to an agreement. We’ve gotten very good at making deals with one another. But I like that when I ask with respect, he responds with respect. And he also talks to me. About everything. And he’s always home by curfew. And he likes me.

I have enough knowledge of the effects of trauma to be dangerous. By that I mean, it makes me soft. I get nervous to upset or annoy because my sole focus is building attachment and never pushing away. I’m searching for the good and choosing to roll my eyes at the rest. I believe the absolute best thing I can do for J is be there for him as an example, as a mentor and as a confidant. He has to find his own motivation to succeed. I can’t give that to him. No amount of yelling or disciplining will help that.

I know to the outside world I may appear too lax but when I think about my relationship with J I feel like I’m on the right track. It may not have a lot of structure right now but there’s a lot of track left to build.