A Place to Write

I'm honestly grateful I don't live in the world J lives in. He went to his first school dance tonight and told me girls took turns all night twerking and grinding on him. That's all dancing is to him. I told him that takes all the romance out of it. That all those girls sound like they just want to be used. Where are the girls looking for healthy relationships? He agrees that he wants a relationship but still admits he had a great time. A few nights ago we did homework together. When he marked a simple question wrong I asked why. He said it would look weird if he didn't get some wrong. To who? Who is telling you it's cool to fail your classes? Who would make fun of you for doing Well? I've tried to explain to him that culturally we are SO different. He thinks I mean religiously but I don't. To me, I don't fit in with the stereotypical Mormon culture. Yes, I'm a proud Mormon woman and I love my religion but my culture is not defined solely on my re...

J has been pretty emotionless lately. Not all the time, just at big times when I ask him about important things like how he feels about meeting his bio mom. He shrugs his shoulders says "I don't know. " and changes the subject. I can't tell if he's trying to protect me or himself. Probably both. Today was the day. He met her. He said it went well. He didn't give too many details. I didn't ask too many questions. We did homework. We played a game. We talked for an hour about nothing in particular. Then I went outside to read a book and he stuck his head out to ask how much screen time he has left. And just before he stuck his head back inside he said: "Goodnight, in case I don't see you. And just to reassure you--I am not going to birth mom's." I'm not sure why he added that but it made me smile. Not because I think she doesn't deserve him. It's just nice that he wants to stay and nice of him to think of reassuring me.

It was like I was in the twilight zone. I had called police for help because a young girl told me she was afraid to go home and I was afraid her abuser would show up at my home looking for her. Now the police were outside my house giving that same girl a stern lecture about lying and running away while she cried, trying to defend herself. I was told never to let her into my house again. I was told to run far away from this girl. I was told not to call the police about her again. I was told they were sick of dealing with her. "We don't have the time or resources to deal with her." Five minutes earlier she was watching Trolls with my 3 and 5 year olds. Two days earlier she jumped off the couch to help me clean when she saw me bring out the vacuum. I realize the few hours we spent were rare glimpses into who she was or could be. I realize she's made PLENTY of mistakes but I operate in a world where kids should have a voice. Where adults should listen. Where safety ...

I thought our foster care journey was different. I thought the biological family would never come back into the picture and if they did, I thought I would be happy. I would be so supportive. But then the fear sets in. I don't want him to be let down. I don't want him to be mislead. I know he can take care of himself, but I don't want him to. I guess I got a glimpse of what other foster families experience. Even if reunification really is the best thing, it still hurts. It hurts that as hard as you try--there's always this threat that you are not enough. Hard to believe I haven't written since the day I felt like giving up on our foster care journey. For the record I was not really going to give up--I just felt worthless. Like I was easily replaced. I talked to J about it the next day and he assured me he doesn't plan on leaving. He likes staying with us. That was nice to hear. It calmed my fears. It put me in a place where I really can be supportive--what...