J warned us weeks ago Easter would not be a happy time. My natural reaction was "It's going to be the best ever if I have anything to say about it!" I started taking special notes of candy he likes. I found a store where I could buy Mexican candy for dirt cheap and filled an Easter basket with all his favorites. All the while I knew, it might not work.
Friday with my family went well. Saturday he actually traveled with me for work and we enjoyed playing cards all day and occasionally sharing info about foster care with people who passed by our table.
Sunday things were also going well for most of the day. He said church wasn't bad. He liked his candy. He loved dinner. Afterwards we did another Easter egg hunt. I snapped a picture of him. He asked me to stop, and I did. After the Easter egg hunt while all the other kids opened their eggs and explored their treasures he left the crowd and laid in the grass.
He told Brendon he was mad at me for taking the picture. He asked for space. Several minutes later I walked into the backyard and caught him quickly wiping at his eyes--but he allowed me to sit with him and put my arm around him. I sat and cried with him until Kaybree decided she wanted my attention and refused to leave us alone and he decided he was done talking.
I cried with J because everything he was feeling and everything he told me during that conversation made perfect sense. It was sad, it was awful and there was nothing I could do to make it better. No matter how hard I tried to make the holiday the best it could be, it was still another day away from his family. Still another day full of bad memories that he had to somehow ignore. Still another day when his body, and his trauma triggers were in full swing.
He told me he's worried about the next holiday and the next and the next. None are good for him and he doesn't know how his emotions might come out on those days. He told me he doesn't know himself or what he'll become. I hope he heard me when I told him it's up to him to choose.
And I cried. I still cry just thinking about it. Because I care. Because he is a GOOD kid. A really good kid. And he has no idea. He thinks he's flawed. He thinks there's something wrong with him. He thinks he's unwanted. And as hard as I try, for now, there's nothing I can do to make that go away.
He told me the other day that we still don't know much about him. He wants to tell me all about his past, but he can't just yet. I want to know it all but I know I can't rush him. For now, that's ok.
The girls are doing great! They love their brother--even if they beat him up all the time. That's the only way they know how to play with someone so much older than them who refuses to be the kid ("Honey") in their pretend games. I don't want anyone to think Easter was a complete bust. The emotional part last less than an hour and we were all back to doing fun things. It was just a reminder that J's life has been tough and even the best love is not enough. But it was also a reminder of how blessed we are to be in the position we are in now. I love our family!
Friday with my family went well. Saturday he actually traveled with me for work and we enjoyed playing cards all day and occasionally sharing info about foster care with people who passed by our table.
Sunday things were also going well for most of the day. He said church wasn't bad. He liked his candy. He loved dinner. Afterwards we did another Easter egg hunt. I snapped a picture of him. He asked me to stop, and I did. After the Easter egg hunt while all the other kids opened their eggs and explored their treasures he left the crowd and laid in the grass.
He told Brendon he was mad at me for taking the picture. He asked for space. Several minutes later I walked into the backyard and caught him quickly wiping at his eyes--but he allowed me to sit with him and put my arm around him. I sat and cried with him until Kaybree decided she wanted my attention and refused to leave us alone and he decided he was done talking.
I cried with J because everything he was feeling and everything he told me during that conversation made perfect sense. It was sad, it was awful and there was nothing I could do to make it better. No matter how hard I tried to make the holiday the best it could be, it was still another day away from his family. Still another day full of bad memories that he had to somehow ignore. Still another day when his body, and his trauma triggers were in full swing.
He told me he's worried about the next holiday and the next and the next. None are good for him and he doesn't know how his emotions might come out on those days. He told me he doesn't know himself or what he'll become. I hope he heard me when I told him it's up to him to choose.
And I cried. I still cry just thinking about it. Because I care. Because he is a GOOD kid. A really good kid. And he has no idea. He thinks he's flawed. He thinks there's something wrong with him. He thinks he's unwanted. And as hard as I try, for now, there's nothing I can do to make that go away.
He told me the other day that we still don't know much about him. He wants to tell me all about his past, but he can't just yet. I want to know it all but I know I can't rush him. For now, that's ok.
The girls are doing great! They love their brother--even if they beat him up all the time. That's the only way they know how to play with someone so much older than them who refuses to be the kid ("Honey") in their pretend games. I don't want anyone to think Easter was a complete bust. The emotional part last less than an hour and we were all back to doing fun things. It was just a reminder that J's life has been tough and even the best love is not enough. But it was also a reminder of how blessed we are to be in the position we are in now. I love our family!
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