Skip to main content

Things I wish I Said

By

 Have you ever had a conversation with someone and replayed it a million times in your head and thought of a million things you should have said? In the moment, silence was my only option, but now I feel like if I don't get these thoughts out of my head, I might crumble and die. And at the same time silence is probably still my best option when it comes to the person I had the actual conversation with. Hence, to the blog I go. Here is what I should have said:

If you were not going to give me this job--why did you tell me to apply for it? Why did you have consistent, ongoing conversations with me about what the needs were and what it would look like? Why did you tell me to think optimistically and picture myself in that position? Why did you force my mind to go there?

To be fair, you mentioned from the beginning that if I did not get the job, you had a plan for me. Now you want to have a conversation about what that will look like. You want to push me to a fundraiser role. The problem is--we should have been having that conversation all along. We should have had that conversation weeks ago. And now it just feels like we are speaking different languages. 

I'm saying: "I would like to do xyz and I think it will lead to abc over time."

You are saying: "I want you to think again about what you want to do be doing. I think you should be doing abc."

I'm saying: "You've struggled to find someone to do abc. Maybe it's because xyz needs to come first."

You are saying: "Someone else can do xyz. You should do abc."

I'm saying: "I want to solve problems. I want to be a part of the solution. I want to have control."

You are saying: "Trust me. I see more in you than you do yourself. I don't have a history of clear direction--but there is one!"

And then you end the conversation with: "I saw your passion the past few weeks. I want to push you to be great, even if it's not here."

And I feel like screaming: "I am driven by a passion for the mission. The mission is NOT fund raising. The mission for me is making THIS organization the very best it can be. And what I am hearing is I am not vital to THIS mission. It's not necessary for me to grow HERE." 

I understand you think I am a great person and you want to see me grow. I want to see this organization grow. I want to see our team be successful together. At the same time, I want to be an advocate for myself. I want to be recognized for the contribution I am making. I didn't think I cared about title, but the more I'm having conversations with external audiences, the more confused they are. They don't want to talk with the Grants Manager. They want to talk with someone in leadership. 

I applied for this position because I am uniquely qualified to do it. (And because you told me to. Thank you for that.) I don't know that I would be qualified to do this job anywhere else, but I know I am qualified to do it here. I know this organization. I know this team. I also know best practices. I know what we are missing. And I feel like the team recognizes that too. That's what makes this even more humiliating. Everyone knows I wanted that position and now everyone will know I didn't get it. And they are all going to ask me why. And I don't have an answer. And that creates more uncertainty for everyone. And everyone assumes (even you) that this will be my sign to look for a new job. It would be insane for me to stay where I have no clear future. But I am currently stuck. I cannot take a pay decrease. I need the flexible schedule I have because Brendon is being given every opportunity in the universe from his employer--and will be travelling a lot more in the next year. I have several trips planned in the coming months that I fully intend to enjoy. And where would I go? What do I want? Because right now, I feel like I have no idea. That's terrifying. 


I have been studying introversion lately. Because I keep feeling like you want to push me to speak up more and be something different--and I want to defend myself. I want to understand more clearly what my strengths actually are so I can build on those, rather than the strengths you think I should have.

I've learned that the real strength introverts have is noticing the tiny details and CARING. One description I've read for introverts is they are Highly Sensitive. And yes, that may mean emotional (am I crying as I write this? Absolutely.) but it also means highly sensitive to the needs of others, to what is being said without being said, to what is needed. 

The problem is if an introvert does not care about something, like small talk, it's really hard to go outside your comfort zone and go after it. So whatever I do for work--I need to love it. I need to feel useful. I need to believe in it. I wish I could make you understand, but for now, I choose silence. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Work stuff

By
 My job is difficult to describe to people outside of non-profits so I usually don't. I say I'm a Grant Writer--because I am, but to some people that means a lot and to others it means nothing. I don't get too many people who are interested. To be truthful, I do think grant writing is a spectacular professional that takes a lot of skill. Not only do you have to be an excellent writer, able to tell the stories of the organization in a way that is interesting and inspiring, but you also have to be savvy enough to find your way around hundreds of different online portals (none of which are user friendly) and be diligent enough to meet strict deadlines and compile loads and loads of paperwork. At my organization we submit about 15-30 applications every month and every single application has different requirements and expectations in order to receive funding. The work doesn't stop when an application is turned in. Once we get that funding it adds another to-do to our list, m...
Post a Comment
Read more

I did it!

By
Today, I achieved a great professional achievement. I got my CFRE. It’s a big deal.  Brendon is out of town so I took the girls to get sushi to celebrate. This was our conversation on the way home.  *Passed by a Husband and Wife Law Team billboard Eisley: That dude wears suspenders. I would not call them first. I would call Jonathan first.  Me: I would call Brother Briggs first because he’s a criminal defense lawyer. Jon does HOA law which would not be very useful. Eisley: Ooo yeah. I feel like I’m going to be that kid some day. I’d call Brittany because she has experience, then Bro Briggs.  Me: You’re going to be the one to call to hide a body?  Eisley: Yeah. I’ll probably already be hiding one. I feel like I’m the Brittany, Aspen is Brodie, Kaybree is Dad.  Kaybree: Hmmm, I’m not sure. Aspen—do you like girls? Aspen: What? Kaybree: Just, would you like to marry a girl one day? Aspen: No.  Eisley: If you did, we would love her.  And then we all l...
Post a Comment
Read more

Tearful moments

By
In January I cried through my appointments with my oncology doctor and surgeons. The whole idea of having a preventative mastectomy was overwhelming.  I made my peace with it. I made a plan for myself. Work slows down near the end of the year and we get all sorts of holidays so I thought if I could take my time off then, I would be fine. I made it through two whole doctor's appointments with no tears and no fear, because I had a plan, and then today that was messed up. My doctor told me reconstruction could take up to three months--which means I can't do the surgery when I originally planned if I want to get it all done in one calendar year (for insurance purposes). She suggested moving it up to August. That is next month. And if we do the surgery in August that means our family trip we have planned for October--it's a no. Camping trip I planned for September? Probably not. And honestly that all makes me more upset than anything. And suddenly I'm crying again.  I want t...
Post a Comment
Read more