Grief

 Grief is such a weird thing. Why does a death have to hurt even 16 years after it happened? Why does it hurt at all if it's such a part of life?

And when it does hurt it just feels silly. I can't shut my life down every time it hits. Life doesn't work like that. It never has. 

Life has continued in the past 16 years. It's completely different now. It's a life she never experienced. It's a life she wasn't a part of (to no fault of her own!) So why does it still hurt?

And when it does hurt why does it hit like a ton of bricks? Why can't I stop the tears from coming? 

How are you supposed to act when someone is grieving? I don't know, and that's why I hide it from my husband and kids. Because they can't understand. They never knew her. They don't know this grief. I don't want any pity. 

So I write because writing works. It helps to vent, even though no one will read it.

I did dream of her last night. It was Michelle Day, the annual day we hold in her honor right around her birthday each year. We got the whole family together, like we always do. This year was nothing special. We had taken over a big playground at a park or somewhere, it wasn't clear where it was.

Somehow she was there. She wasn't paying much attention to me. She was too busy being the fun aunt I know she would have been. She was playing and laughing and running with all the kids. 

Her hair was long and she was thin and healthy. 

I hugged her and told her how much we had missed her and she just smiled and said "I know." 

There wasn't much to it. I woke up thinking "That was nice" and didn't realize till later what day it is today. Her birthday. And all she wanted to do was be with her nieces and nephews. 

I love you, Michelle. I always will.