Accountable

I was nervous all day yesterday. I didn't eat lunch. I hurried home as quickly as I could. It was the day of your review. Hard questions would be asked. Hard answers would be given. This could be an ending.

But it wasn't. We sat and listened as the representative from the Department of Child Safety (DCS) asked the tough questions. You gave the same answers we've heard over and over again. 

"It's going to be different this time because I'm going to try harder."

"I'm going to keep my head down."

"I'm going to do the work."

"I don't need help."

It's the same thing we heard when we sat and had a discussion before the start of last semester. Before your grades slipped into 30 percents--again. Before you racked up more than 70 absences in one semester. Before your bank account was over-drafted for the 10th time. But then all that happened anyways.

I expected it to be difficult because I expected DCS to take a look at what's going on and realize this is a problem. There's no sign of improvement. There are words coming out of your mouth that sound like commitment--but then we got a call that you were marked absent again that very same day and I know you had a conflict with a teacher the day before. We are only two days into the semester. I expected DCS to hold you accountable. Put a little bit of fear into you.

Instead they smiled and said "Well, let us know if you need anything! We'll see you in six months!"

I do need something. I need some change! I need support! I need to know that I'm not crazy when I look at what's happening and feel concerned! 

It's my fault for making life so easy and comfortable. Yes, I've been strict on a couple rules and you follow those. You're not happy about it, but you follow it.

Our licensing agency has been incredibly supportive of us but I finally had to turn to our social worker yesterday and say "Do you agree with me?" Am I crazy for thinking maybe this isn't working? Maybe our home is not the best place for J to be? 

I've been looking at the situation from too much of my own perspective. I want to be different for J. I want to be a family for him. I want to be the best foster parent I can possibly be. I don't want to give up on him. He's following basic rules but he has been withdrawing himself from me and my feelings are hurt and how much longer can I handle the hurt?

It was Brendon who pointed out to me that moving J from our home would not be a sign of us giving up on him. It's what's in his best interest. 

 Is he obeying our rules? Sure. 

Does he have a job? Yes. 

Does he have friends here? Yep.

Is he doing what he needs to do to be successful in the long term? No.

Is he treating people he interacts with well? No.

Is he doing the work he needs to do at school or at work? No.

Is there any resource I could offer him to help him change? No.

Have we been able to motivate him to make significant change in his life? No. 

Is there any rule or consequence I could put in place that would change that? No.

Could a change of scenery help? Maybe.

Will I give up on him as soon as he is moved out of our home? No.

For now a move is not happening. Brendon and I need to come up with a plan (since J did not). We need to write up a contract. More strict rules. Not just a curfew but a number of reasonable absences, a number of meals he must eat with us, a set budget, rules around how he will treat people. We need to make it clear the expectations we have and give the ultimatum. Will it help? I don't know. But at least he won't be taken by surprise when a move happens. There needs to be some accountability.