Someone on Facebook said they are finishing up their training and they are concerned because the training keeps talking about the worst case scenarios. They just wanted to hear some good experiences. I got on a soap box a little bit. Here is what I wrote:
Whenever I think about our foster care journey I don't have a lot to brag about. We've had a teen for 2.5 years and in that time we've been woken up by the police, we've found countless vape pods and cigarettes in his bedroom, we've watched him fail classes and have to change schools over and over again. He has had more jobs than I've had my entire life because he has trouble keeping them. He's attracted friends that are having unsafe sex, getting drunk, overdosing and breaking laws. When I'm being realistic I think he'll end up homeless or in jail when he leaves us. And yet--it's really not the worst thing ever. I'd do it all over again. I know his past is hard and his future is uncertain but I know I was there for him as much as he would let me and that feels good. I have learned there is no limit to my ability to love someone--even when we have nothing in common. I have deep respect for his birth mom whose rights were severed years ago and is still not living a healthy life but who is TRYING. I have grown so much as a person and I've seen him grow and change as well. I love our late night talks. I love that I can sometimes read him better than he can read himself and he's getting very use to my version of "I told you so." I can't explain why fostering is worth it. I have no happy-ever-after but I am so grateful for the opportunity I've had to have him, and all the crazy he brings, in my life. Our house has not burnt down, none of us have been physically hurt and my very young bio children are still sweet and innocent and learning to share love with someone even if his choices are not the best.
A friend asked me to tell her about J the other day. I told her he's a good kid. She said "You always say that but tell me more!" I think I always say that because I don't have anything to brag about--but in the end he's still a good kid. I don't want anyone thinking he's not so I always start and end with that.
Last night we had a long talk. for his birthday he wants one day of free and open cussing in our home--with no consequences. He knows it won't happen but it lead to a long discussion about swear words. I told him I COULD swear if I wanted to, but I don't want to. There are so many other ways to express myself. Why use those words?
He said swear words are the most expressive words he knows of. He grew up around swear words. It may have been the first words he heard. It's what feels comfortable for him.
Then he shared he has a hard time understanding other people's emotions. He often comes off as a jerk and he's not trying to, he just doesn't understand how he's being perceived. That's a sign of how trauma has effected him. He lacks that more nuanced form of empathy. He cannot relate to other people. I'm not sure how you put that back in a person once they've lost it. It's a little scary, to be honest. I know he can see when someone is upset and he will do his best to comfort them but he's not moved by emotions like most people are. He's usually annoyed by them.
I don't regret fostering J. I don't regret letting him into my life. He has opened my eyes. He has shown me a better version of myself. He has given my human experience a new layer of interest. I love you, J!
Whenever I think about our foster care journey I don't have a lot to brag about. We've had a teen for 2.5 years and in that time we've been woken up by the police, we've found countless vape pods and cigarettes in his bedroom, we've watched him fail classes and have to change schools over and over again. He has had more jobs than I've had my entire life because he has trouble keeping them. He's attracted friends that are having unsafe sex, getting drunk, overdosing and breaking laws. When I'm being realistic I think he'll end up homeless or in jail when he leaves us. And yet--it's really not the worst thing ever. I'd do it all over again. I know his past is hard and his future is uncertain but I know I was there for him as much as he would let me and that feels good. I have learned there is no limit to my ability to love someone--even when we have nothing in common. I have deep respect for his birth mom whose rights were severed years ago and is still not living a healthy life but who is TRYING. I have grown so much as a person and I've seen him grow and change as well. I love our late night talks. I love that I can sometimes read him better than he can read himself and he's getting very use to my version of "I told you so." I can't explain why fostering is worth it. I have no happy-ever-after but I am so grateful for the opportunity I've had to have him, and all the crazy he brings, in my life. Our house has not burnt down, none of us have been physically hurt and my very young bio children are still sweet and innocent and learning to share love with someone even if his choices are not the best.
A friend asked me to tell her about J the other day. I told her he's a good kid. She said "You always say that but tell me more!" I think I always say that because I don't have anything to brag about--but in the end he's still a good kid. I don't want anyone thinking he's not so I always start and end with that.
Last night we had a long talk. for his birthday he wants one day of free and open cussing in our home--with no consequences. He knows it won't happen but it lead to a long discussion about swear words. I told him I COULD swear if I wanted to, but I don't want to. There are so many other ways to express myself. Why use those words?
He said swear words are the most expressive words he knows of. He grew up around swear words. It may have been the first words he heard. It's what feels comfortable for him.
Then he shared he has a hard time understanding other people's emotions. He often comes off as a jerk and he's not trying to, he just doesn't understand how he's being perceived. That's a sign of how trauma has effected him. He lacks that more nuanced form of empathy. He cannot relate to other people. I'm not sure how you put that back in a person once they've lost it. It's a little scary, to be honest. I know he can see when someone is upset and he will do his best to comfort them but he's not moved by emotions like most people are. He's usually annoyed by them.
I don't regret fostering J. I don't regret letting him into my life. He has opened my eyes. He has shown me a better version of myself. He has given my human experience a new layer of interest. I love you, J!
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