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Not my year

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The funny thing about a miscarriage is how it continues to haunt you. For at least 9 months and probably longer.

A coworker announced she's pregnant. Fifteen weeks. Due in September. And my first thought was "Me too!" And then I realized how awkward it would be to say that. And then I realized how jealous i am of her healthy pregnancy.

And then I realized how much I've mentally prepared for every mile stone. So I'm going to remember all those things. I'm going to notice in May when I don't get to find out the gender. I'm going to notice this summer when I don't have a pregnant belly to show off. I'm going to notice in September when no baby comes. I'm going to notice in October when I don't have maternity leave.

This week I flew to Boston for a work trip. My miscarriage happened naturally and I felt relieved and ready to move forward. I booked a B&B and a flight for Brendon to come join me. It was going to be our anniversary celebration.

But tonight I'm sitting alone in my hotel room. A blizzard is supposed to be hitting right now and lasting all day. All flights in and out are cancelled. Brendon isn't coming and I can't get home. This month sucks.

I usually write because it helps clear my head. I reflect and I find the good and I can relax. There's not really an upside to this situation. I just feel piled on. We had an amazing trip in January and it's been downhill since.

We are strong as a couple--life just sucks. It's out of our control. I miss him. And my girls. And J. I'll be home soon. I love you!

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