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Little heartbreak

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It might be too early for me to write this post. I may not have fully processed everything yet. I'm still doing exactly what the doctor told me not to do--blaming myself.

We found out yesterday the baby is gone. I went in for a routine check up. The doctor was running an hour behind so I told Brendon not to bother coming with me. I'd had a little spotting the night before. I wasn't worried about it.

As soon as I was called back the bleeding became more serious. I told the nurse I had to leave very soon to get back to work--could we skip ahead to the ultrasound? They did. It was almost instantly apparent something was wrong. The heartbeat was missing.

I got Brendon on the phone as the vaginal ultrasound was done. The bleeding was getting much worse. Still no heartbeat. The doctor placed his hand on my shoulder, looked me in the eyes and said "I'm sorry."

He gave me one rule to follow. "Do not drive yourself crazy thinking about everything you've done over the past few days that could have caused this. Every woman does it. Honestly it's genetics. It happens in 20% of pregnancies and 50% of the time it's just genetic."

But I still am. Because I know the death JUST happened. I felt the tiny heart beat Saturday night. That might be crazy but I swear I felt it. So what did I do Saturday or Sunday that I shouldn't have?

I feel like I got most of my tears out weeks ago when we thought it had happened the first time--but I'm still sad now. I had my heart set on a baby. Now I'm paying the same price for a surgery to remove one. 

Logically I know it's not the end. We got pregnant easily before. We can get pregnant easily again. But can I do this again? Am I more likely to do this again?

The girls were very sad but understanding when we told them. Eisley, always the optimist, said "So you can hold me again?" And she demanded to be held and to sit in my lap all night. There were lots of hugs and snuggles. Kaybree was sad we didn't even get to find out if it was a boy or a girl. She asked if we had to get rid of all the baby stuff. I told her not yet. Not yet.

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