I just saw this blog post and wanted to edit a few things for our situation:
1. It’s Not Their Fault
Perhaps the biggest misconception about children in foster care is that the children are somehow at fault. When I was much younger, I had this same false belief, that children in foster care were bad kids, and that they did something wrong.
Yet, this is so far from the truth. These are children who are the victims. These are children who are suffering. Children suffering from abuse. Neglect. Malnutrition. Even drug-related problems passed on from a mother’s addiction. Children rejected by those who were to love them most, their parents. When placed into a foster home, many of these children carry with them the physical and emotional scars that prevent them from accepting the love of another.
My comments: These kids are victims. They have been through terrible things but the kids who I've seen have no problem accepting the love of another. They crave it. They need it. They are not bad, they are not damaged. They are probably different from you--like everyone is, but there's nothing wrong with that.
2. We Are Not Saints.
I often hear, on a weekly basis, that my wife and I are saints for caring for children in need, and opening up our homes and hearts to kids in foster care. In no way, and in no fashion am I a saint, and I believe that foster parents from all over would echo that sentiment. We are not saints. We become tired, worn down, and exhausted. We have our own frustrations and disappointments. There are times when we succeed, and there are times when we experience failures. We are not the perfect parents. We are simply trying our best to provide a home and family for a child who needs one, and help a child in need.
My comments: I don't have much to add to this one. It's right on.
3. It Does Hurt
It seems that the comment that is made to me the most by those who are not foster parents is this; “I could not do what you do. It would hurt too much to give the children from foster care back.” As one who has cared for over 50 children in my own home the past 13 years, as well as traveling the country speaking about the foster care system, the question is one that I hear several times a week.
My response is this; “That’s a good thing. It is supposed to hurt. Your heart is supposed to break!”
To be sure, children in foster care need stability and they need security. Yet, what they need the most is to be loved. As foster parents, we might the first adults who have ever loved the child in a healthy and unconditional fashion. Sadly, for some children, we may be the only adults who will ever love the child in this fashion, in an unconditional manner. So, when the child leaves our home and our family, our hearts should break. We should experience feelings of grief and loss. After all, we have given all of our hearts and love to a child in need.
My comments: I think it's best case scenario when a parent makes changes and their child is safely returned to them. You'll know you've done your job right if that parent still allows you to have some contact with that kid. Those are my favorite stories. However, not every child gets to go back to their biological parents. What about those kids? What about that situation? Could you take in a kid who has no where else to go? If the possibility of them going back home scares you too much how do you feel about them having no home at all?
4. We Can’t Save Them All
No, we cannot.
I understand that. I have been told this by friends and family, alike, as they question why I continue to bring children into my home, and into my family.
Yet, it is like the familiar Starfish story...
My comments: Agreed.
5. Working with Birth Family.
Our foster child wants nothing more than to return home to his family. In fact, reunification is often the end goal for most foster children. As a foster parent, part of our mission is to support reunification with our foster child and his biological parents. What is important to consider, as well, is that many biological parents of foster children were abused themselves, and know of no other way when raising children. Also disturbing is that some birth parents were foster children, as well, and are just repeating the cycle they went through as a child. Certainly, there are reasons why their children are in care that we may never understand. Part of being a foster parent is helping the parents of the children living with us; helping our fellow human beings.
My comments: Agreed. We do not have contact with bio parents in our case. From the little I know about them my heart breaks for the life they've had. I think they'd be amazingly proud of their kids.
6. The Hardest and Most Important Job
Being a foster parent is often the hardest thing we do. After all, each time a new foster child comes into our families, there are new challenges, as each placement is unique, just as the child is, as well. Every placement will be different from each other, and it will not become routine, some placements may even be unsettling. We do not have a “normal” life style, to be sure, and we make many sacrifices as we bring children in need, and in trauma into our family.
Yet, we are changing lives, while our own lives are being changed. There is a good chance that in the future, the foster child we cared for may not remember our names. There is a good chance that in the future, the foster child we care for may not remember our faces. But for so many children in foster care, each foster child who comes through our homes will remember one thing; that for a period in his life, he was loved, and some day down the road, he will blossom into something better because of it.
And we will be better because of the child, as well.
My comments: I don't think we're the kind of couple that will foster forever and take in hundreds of kids over the years. Maybe we are not built for it. All those different situations would be challenging and in most foster care cases there is a huge level of uncertainty that would be frustrating to deal with. I consider what we are doing right now to be a very small thing. Maybe a series of very small things. I do hope it will blossom into something better but for now it is not the insurmountable challenge that many think of when they think of fostering. It's the same as raising any child. Your heart breaks over the mistakes but you're filled with joy and love in all the same ways. Sometimes they drive you crazy but mostly you just love 'em and they love you and that's lovely too.
1. It’s Not Their Fault
Perhaps the biggest misconception about children in foster care is that the children are somehow at fault. When I was much younger, I had this same false belief, that children in foster care were bad kids, and that they did something wrong.
Yet, this is so far from the truth. These are children who are the victims. These are children who are suffering. Children suffering from abuse. Neglect. Malnutrition. Even drug-related problems passed on from a mother’s addiction. Children rejected by those who were to love them most, their parents. When placed into a foster home, many of these children carry with them the physical and emotional scars that prevent them from accepting the love of another.
My comments: These kids are victims. They have been through terrible things but the kids who I've seen have no problem accepting the love of another. They crave it. They need it. They are not bad, they are not damaged. They are probably different from you--like everyone is, but there's nothing wrong with that.
2. We Are Not Saints.
I often hear, on a weekly basis, that my wife and I are saints for caring for children in need, and opening up our homes and hearts to kids in foster care. In no way, and in no fashion am I a saint, and I believe that foster parents from all over would echo that sentiment. We are not saints. We become tired, worn down, and exhausted. We have our own frustrations and disappointments. There are times when we succeed, and there are times when we experience failures. We are not the perfect parents. We are simply trying our best to provide a home and family for a child who needs one, and help a child in need.
My comments: I don't have much to add to this one. It's right on.
3. It Does Hurt
It seems that the comment that is made to me the most by those who are not foster parents is this; “I could not do what you do. It would hurt too much to give the children from foster care back.” As one who has cared for over 50 children in my own home the past 13 years, as well as traveling the country speaking about the foster care system, the question is one that I hear several times a week.
My response is this; “That’s a good thing. It is supposed to hurt. Your heart is supposed to break!”
To be sure, children in foster care need stability and they need security. Yet, what they need the most is to be loved. As foster parents, we might the first adults who have ever loved the child in a healthy and unconditional fashion. Sadly, for some children, we may be the only adults who will ever love the child in this fashion, in an unconditional manner. So, when the child leaves our home and our family, our hearts should break. We should experience feelings of grief and loss. After all, we have given all of our hearts and love to a child in need.
My comments: I think it's best case scenario when a parent makes changes and their child is safely returned to them. You'll know you've done your job right if that parent still allows you to have some contact with that kid. Those are my favorite stories. However, not every child gets to go back to their biological parents. What about those kids? What about that situation? Could you take in a kid who has no where else to go? If the possibility of them going back home scares you too much how do you feel about them having no home at all?
4. We Can’t Save Them All
No, we cannot.
I understand that. I have been told this by friends and family, alike, as they question why I continue to bring children into my home, and into my family.
Yet, it is like the familiar Starfish story...
My comments: Agreed.
5. Working with Birth Family.
Our foster child wants nothing more than to return home to his family. In fact, reunification is often the end goal for most foster children. As a foster parent, part of our mission is to support reunification with our foster child and his biological parents. What is important to consider, as well, is that many biological parents of foster children were abused themselves, and know of no other way when raising children. Also disturbing is that some birth parents were foster children, as well, and are just repeating the cycle they went through as a child. Certainly, there are reasons why their children are in care that we may never understand. Part of being a foster parent is helping the parents of the children living with us; helping our fellow human beings.
My comments: Agreed. We do not have contact with bio parents in our case. From the little I know about them my heart breaks for the life they've had. I think they'd be amazingly proud of their kids.
6. The Hardest and Most Important Job
Being a foster parent is often the hardest thing we do. After all, each time a new foster child comes into our families, there are new challenges, as each placement is unique, just as the child is, as well. Every placement will be different from each other, and it will not become routine, some placements may even be unsettling. We do not have a “normal” life style, to be sure, and we make many sacrifices as we bring children in need, and in trauma into our family.
Yet, we are changing lives, while our own lives are being changed. There is a good chance that in the future, the foster child we cared for may not remember our names. There is a good chance that in the future, the foster child we care for may not remember our faces. But for so many children in foster care, each foster child who comes through our homes will remember one thing; that for a period in his life, he was loved, and some day down the road, he will blossom into something better because of it.
And we will be better because of the child, as well.
My comments: I don't think we're the kind of couple that will foster forever and take in hundreds of kids over the years. Maybe we are not built for it. All those different situations would be challenging and in most foster care cases there is a huge level of uncertainty that would be frustrating to deal with. I consider what we are doing right now to be a very small thing. Maybe a series of very small things. I do hope it will blossom into something better but for now it is not the insurmountable challenge that many think of when they think of fostering. It's the same as raising any child. Your heart breaks over the mistakes but you're filled with joy and love in all the same ways. Sometimes they drive you crazy but mostly you just love 'em and they love you and that's lovely too.
Comments
Post a Comment