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Life in quarantine

I’m suddenly having a hard time finding time to write. Or do anything. The week after we returned from California the world shut down. Brendon and I were asked to work from home. Schools closed. Restaurant dining rooms closed. Everything worth doing outside the house closed.

At first I was excited to work from home. Then overwhelmed. Now I’m still busier than I’ve ever been but I have no desire to go back into the office full time.

We have fallen into a routine. Each morning Brendon gets up to exercise. He was doing it from home but the gyms have finally reopened so he’s there as soon as the doors open. That leaves me at home caring for our new puppy, Tucker.

Tucker is a smart dog. He’s pretty much potty trained at this point and of course he’s adorable because all Old English Sheep Dogs are. But he will not go back to sleep once Brendon leaves. I’m coping. He’s wonderful but he’s no Bently. He deserves his own post.

Eventually Tucker barks one too many times and wakes Aspen up. She loves him but mostly just the idea of him. She learned his name very quickly (it comes out more like “tutter”) and she pats her leg and calls him like it’s her duty.

Kaybree gets up around then too. Mickey Mouse takes over the TV while Aspen dances and eats breakfast. Eisley joins us on the couch eventually. Brendon comes home around 8 and goes for a 5 mile run.

I feed the girls then get to work. Kaybree and Eisley are glued to a tablet while Aspen wanders the house until Brendon or I put her down for a nap.

I talk to my boss daily which means a new to-do list daily. A lot has moved online and since maintaining the website is my job there’s a lot to do. I stress about proving my worth and keeping up. I’m not sure why. My boss is always kind to me but she is such a perfectionist I feel under-qualified. I know I have so much to learn.

When Aspen wakes up around 11 I feed the girls lunch and take them to Barb’s house. I’m so grateful that she happily watches the girls every afternoon. They are lucky to have her. We are lucky to have her. Sometimes one of Brittany’s kids will join them. They are getting tired of every day being the same but we are coping.

Around 4 we pick the girls up. Aspen goes to swimming lessons with Brittany at 5. She loves the pool and can successfully hold herself up on a noodle and float around. She looks so cute kicking along. Brittany bribes her with poolside snacks.

Then it’s time for dinner. Then I take Tucker for a walk. Aspen goes to bed and we relax for a half hour before bedtime. Then I have an internal debate about whether I should do more work or spend time with Brendon.

Life is simplified in quarantine and also a little terrifying. What if I’m not doing enough to teach my kids? What if I’m not working hard enough, or as hard as my coworkers or as hard as I worked in the office? What if Brendon and I run out of things to say to each other when it feels like every day is the same?

I’ve only heard from J a handful of times. Those who know my relationship with him and how much I worried and cried and stressed over him have tried to offer comfort, assuming I'm torn up about him being out of the house. But if I'm being honest I'm not torn up at all. It's a relief. (And then when I say that I feel guilt for saying that.)

I know not much has changed for him. He reaches out whenever he needs documents, phone numbers and other life necessities he has tried to ignore. I've let him now when I've gotten calls about failing grades and missed appointments. He still doesn't have a job or a phone. His friends have not changed. I saw him a few days ago, around the neighborhood, and the smell of smoke on him was overwhelming.

It's a relief to not see that play out on a daily basis. It's a relief to be freed from the roller coaster. The roller coaster of feeling needed, appreciated and loved one day and then used and forgotten the next. I wish it were different but it's not. I don't love him any less, I'm just not as stressed about maintaining a relationship. He chose to leave us and if he wanted to see us again, I know he would reach out. He has not reached out asking to see us--so there's that. It's only sad when I think about it. From day to day, I'm OK.

The girls keep me more than busy.

Aspen calls out for my attention constantly and then spouts off strings of gibberish and a smile that melts your heart. She's learning body parts and has mastered Hi and Bye.

Kaybree is going crazy missing friends. I think of my life at her age and daily I would see my friends, spend all day with them. She does not get that and she craves it. I do my best to set up playdates over Facetime or with cousins to try to fill the void. I hate that in today's world "playdates" are even a thing.

Eisley is not bothered by much. She can happily spend all day watching or playing on a tablet and eating junk food. The challenge with her is getting her to do much else. I love her easy-going nature but sometimes it turns to lazy too quickly.

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