6 months

It's sobering. Sitting in a conference room, looking at ALL the services available to kids with the same background as yours and still knowing none of it will work.

And then weeks later being told by a psychologist "You have been a miracle for that child!" And knowing that miracle is about to end.

It's about to end in 6 months. It may not end instantly. He may decide to stay for an additional 6 months or a year but whenever he leaves, if some serious change does not occur, his miracle will end.

He will lose his job, just like he lost the last two for no good reason. He will lose friends like he does on a weekly or monthly basis. He will push well-meaning people away. He will end up in a bad place. And I will end up feeling like a failure when it happens.

I know, logically, that I have done all I can. I've heard from a line of professionals who know me and know him that I have done everything. They're currently begging me to do it over again with a different child. (We won't)

And he knows how I feel. We've talked about it. He knows the way he lives his life is unhealthy.

"It's not that I want this--but it gets me where I want to go."

"You will get there alone and broken."

I said that to him today. And he nodded. We agreed to disagree and keep loving each other.

I know this boy will let me down, probably for at least the next 10 years. I know he will make terrible mistakes. I know he will choose to suffer and still, I love him so much.

I want so, so badly to take that suffering away. If I could just show him something else, get him to choose something else.

It makes me think about the war in heaven. Satan wasn't such a bad guy. He wanted to make our choices for us. He wanted us all to return. I get that now. I'm not upset that he wanted that for me. And I'm still coming to terms with a God who said "No. Let them learn for themselves."

I guess that just means at the end of my life I'll understand perfectly why that is. Whenever J comes out on the other end, more brilliant and wonderful than I could have hoped for, I'll understand.