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What should have been different?

J turns into a very different person after 10 p.m. He's suddenly very wise, very open and very honest. He always wants to talk-and we always want to go to bed. Extending bed time for bonding time is rough but the trade off is worth it. I get to see how he's really feeling deep down. It's not awesome, but at least I know.

He told me he feels like he was his most authentic self when he was at the group home. He could tell dirty jokes and use bad language and mess around and no one cared. He misses that. We have so many more standards to keep up with and he has to sensor himself. I think that's a skill he'll appreciate some day.

He also tells me he believes the only people working in the system should be people who've been through the system. Other people shouldn't know everything about him. He tells me only people who've experienced it can really understand what would have made a difference and why he acts the way he does sometimes.

I'm struggling because I want to record every detail about his life that he tells me. I want people to understand the hurt he has experienced. Sometimes I forget too. I get frustrated that even though so much has been done to him, I feel like he makes little effort to overcome it. He has trouble seeing the big picture. He hates setting goals. He has trouble obeying authority. He's not making any changes. I forget that even that is hard for him. Because he's surviving. He still feels like everything is being done TO him and not for or with him. He's not thriving yet. He's not trusting yet.

I'm so grateful for Brendon. Even though he has struggled to connect with J, he's continually making an effort. He's my perfect teammate. When I've had enough, he steps in and vise versa. He makes me take a step back when my bias is showing. When I'm forgetting my compassion. He's taking hits to his pride, just like I am, and not letting it drag him down. He's working to be better. He's doing all he can to be my best match. I love him so much!


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