A Place to Write

It was midnight. I'd had contractions all day but it seemed any time I changed up what I was doing (going from standing to sitting or sitting to standing) there was a drawn out pause in contractions. None of them were strong enough to cause me any pain. And now it seemed like they were coming to a stop all together. I showered and then sat in the dark and cried for a while. Brendon begged me to come to bed and eventually I gave in. It didn't make sense. I've never had labor start and stop like that before. I'd been at 3 cm during my appointment earlier in the day and after stripping my membranes Dr. Holmes told me he felt like with 80% certainty I'd have a baby that day or the next. The next was approaching and there was still no baby. Around 2 a.m. I woke up to contractions again. They were still light and I lay there a while trying to decide "Do I sleep through this or do I get up and concentrate on it?" I decided to get up. I went downstairs and sat...

I think maybe I have too much confidence in my body and my ability to create life. I thought for sure we'd have no trouble getting pregnant--and then we had a miscarriage. Now I thought for sure Aspen would come when the doctor stripped my membranes but five days later here I am with no baby. I like to think I could have been more patient if I hadn't been teased with contractions on Thursday and Friday night. They've stopped since. Now I'm convinced she'll come Wednesday afternoon once I can get my membranes stripped again--but what I should be convinced of is I'm not in control and need to take a chill pill. We started the church's new Come Follow Me curriculum yesterday and Brendon and I couldn't help but laugh at the fact that the first lesson is all about God's timing and waiting for blessings. It was Matthew 1 and Luke 1. The stories of Elizabeth and Mary. The basic lesson is "You're not in control but with God, anything is possible...